Dear Diarrhea…

Let me start off by bragging a little and let everyone know that Eugene and I had a great meeting with OH, I DON’T KNOW… Comedy Central!!! last Thursday and it’s official, we got a record deal for the taping of Invite Them Up’s three year anniversary double CD slash DVD! (Which will be taped at Piano’s on Ludlow, b/t Stanton and Rivington on May 1,2 and 3rd.) I’m very excited about this! We worked really hard to get to this point and now in less than a month we will have an all-star cast of Invite Them Up regulars all on one stage for three nights in a row. This is a great rainy day for me today. It’s nasty as all get out right now but not enough to get this guy down… I just can’t wait to have such an awesome ensemble of talented people that I respect so much to be on OUR CD. YAY!!!! Well, that’s about all the bragging I want to do about that. I have some writing to do.

What do I want to talk about… Ummm? There are a few people from Vice magazine asking the guy sitting in front of me for his picture for them to make fun of in an upcoming issue. Vice is a local magazine that is extremely edgy to say the least and they have a section where they take pictures of people in the city and they make fun of what they look like or what they’re wearing. Poor guy has no idea what he’s about to get into. I want them to ask me to take my picture just to see what their pitch is.

VICE: “Hello, we’re from Vice magazine and we would love to take a picture of you for a piece we are doing about fashion. Are you interested?

ME: Suuuure! Were do I sign up?

VICE: Great! We just need a few pictures of you sitting at your table doing what you’re doing. Just act natural and maybe put this multicolored do-rag on your head.

ME: (Putting a Puerto Rican flag do-rag on my head) Is it weird that I’m not from Puerto Rico? I don’t want to offend anybody.

VICE: It’s fine. Trust us, it’s very fashionable and you look very good in it.

ME: Really? We’ll get your snap on then!!! YAY!!! I’m gonna be in a magazine!

VICE: Wait! Better yet… How about putting on this wacky swastika jumper-top on just for shits and giggles.

ME: Oh, I don’t know about that. That could really make people upset. You don’t think people will want to harm me after this comes out?

VICE: Noooo. It’s funny and edgy. Come on, put it on.

ME: Only if I can keep the do-rag and jumper-top?

They take a series of pictures. Slapping five with each other as the gullible Bobby sits there smiling for the camera.

VICE: Sure. You can keep it.

They take a whole bunch of pictures. They found their prize model.

VICE: Well, you were great! That’s about it. Thanks again for doing this…

ME: Awesome! That was a lot of fun. I don’t have any friends and it’s wonderful that you guys chose me for your magazine. Maybe someone will see this and want to hang out with me after this comes out.

VICE: Absolutely! Now one more thing, can you just sign this release form for us really quick?

ME: What?

VICE: Can you sign this release that allows us to use your photo in our magazine?

I pack all of my new props in my backpack. They hand me the release paper.

ME: No. I don’t want to sign it.

VICE: What do you mean no? You have to sign this for us to use your picture.

ME: (Walking out the door) Thanks for the props!

I would never do that but I’d love to take them for a ride… They’re taking a picture of a couple of women now and I’m just dying to see the issue when it comes out.

Anyway, I want to wish myself luck with the up and coming month getting ready for the taping. I’m really excited about the possibilities. Having our show in record stores all across this country of ours is a true step in the right direction. You guys can listen to me as much as you want in the coming months. Maybe my jokes and stories will be the thing that you go to sleep to. That or the thing that you wake up to.

Here, let me give you an example of what you have in store for the morning rise.

“What’s the thing about hunting dogs!? Crazy huh! I don’t hunt nor do I have a hunting dog but I do know what I’d name a couple female bird dogs from the same litter! Oh, I don’t know!!!! Maybe something like…. THE POINTER SISTERS!!! Ha ha ha haaaaaaa!!! Top of the morning to ya!!!”

Pretty exciting, huh! I don’t think I could go to bed to hilarity like that.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 8th, 2005 at 6:37 am and is filed under Dear Diarrhea. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.