October 1, 2007

Today is my birthday. Yesterday was the day before my birthday. Tomorrow will be the day after my birthday. I am now in my late thirties and I don’t feel a day older than twenty-seven. My hair is a bit ashier and my skin might be a little more on the tattered side but my body is feeling a whole hell of a lot younger than my birth certificate reports. This is the first year that I actually feel healthy. I am thirteen pounds lighter than I was a year ago today. I’m also about a hundred and five pounds lighter in another department too. I’m still waiting for my hundred and five pound birthday present to pop out of my heart-shaped cake but I have a feeling that that present will be on hold for a while. Which is fine and dandy. I’m at peace with my life as it is right now…

My trip to Ireland was a big eye opener. I can’t really talk about the outcome too much but I can say that I ended up having a good seven or eight cleansing laughs. The kind of laughs that add a couple of years to your body and soul. (I need to tell you that an old man just sat by me and he sounds like a stereotypical ghost. I’m not kidding. He is making “ooooohhhhh and aaaaaahhhhhh” sounds like he’s reading a children’s book about a coffee drinking ghost. I wish I had my camera right now because I seriously think I’m sitting by half man half ghost. He is really starting to freak me out now. Not really in a bad way but in a spooky way. I’m waiting for him to walk through a door, or at least half of him. He reminds me of one of my favorite characters called the “Not-so-invisible man”. He’s a normal guy that happens to have one invisible arm. A few people have seen me do that character on stage so they know what I’m talking about. I need to resurrect the Not-so-invisible Man again. I did it the first time at Luna Lounge back in the day. AD Miles came on stage and acted out a scene with me that went something like this…

Bobby standing on stage. He has one of his arms in his shirt that makes him look like he’s missing an arm.

Miles walks up to Bobby from off stage.

MILES: Hey. I know you from somewhere, right?

Bobby thinks to himself out loud.

BOBBY: Hummmmm…. Hummmmm. You do look a little familiar now that I think of it. Was it at Randy Fillerston’s fashion binge, down in Witchicoochie, South Carolina?

MILES: No. I don’t think so. That sounds like fun, though.

BOBBY: Did you used to go shopping at TJ Maxx in Burlington, North Carolina?

MILES: No. I only shop at Penny’s for the most part… Man, you look sooooo familiar. It’s killing me.

BOBBY: Are you friends with Sandy Duncan?

MILES: Nooooo…. Damn, this is killing me…. Anyway, I’m Miles.

Miles tries to shake Bobby’s visible hand.

BOBBY: Oh. You can shake my other hand. It’s just invisible, that’s all.

Bobby moves his shoulder and holds out his invisible hand towards Miles. Miles searches a bit and then finds his hand and shakes it.

MILES: (excited) Wow! You really do have an invisible hand.

BOBBY: Yep, it’s really there… I’m Bobby by the way.

Miles realizes who he is now.

MILES: Bobby! That’s it! Bobby Tisdale, right?

BOBBY: Yes! Do you remember me from somewhere?

MILES: Bobby Tisdale. The church picnic! That’s where I remember you from. I had sex with your wife in the caverns. I knew I knew you from somewhere!

BOBBY: Arrrrgggghhhhh!

Bobby turns red with anger and knocks Miles out with his invisible hand. Miles never saw it coming.

AND SCENE!

Those were the good old days! Back in 1999 in the East Village. Ludlow Street! Miss them days of old…

Well, I forgot what I was really wanting to say in this here Diarrhea. I guess it’s time to celebrate another year and get my young looking body out into the great city and enjoy my special day. I will continue with my Ireland stories this week. I have to clear it up with the producers to see what I can and can’t tell you before they turn the last ten days into video magic. I’ll keep ya posted!

By the way, the ghost-man walked out the door as a customer held it open for him so I guess I’ll never know if he was a ghost or not. I have a feeling I’ll be seeing him again for some reason.