I got a phone call from my mother asking me when I was going to write another Dear Diarrhea and I told her that I would write my next one when someone made a comment. I rarely get comments on my writing and it kind of bugs me that no one really cares to respond to the witty way I use my brain. Well, sure enough, I got a comment yesterday on one of my old Diarrhea’s that I wrote over a year ago about dreadlocks. Had a few negative comments saying that I was being stupid and ignorant and whatnot about my views dealing with that certain hairstyle choice. I want to just reassure everyone that what I wrote was a complete joke and if you look at my two dogs right now you would think I ran a dreadlock ranch for animals. I think dreadlocks are cool looking so that’s all I need to say about the subject from now on. People can change their views and I’m always willing to say “my bad” to someone that I might’ve offended. So… hear it comes… MY BAD. Ohhhh, I hate using that phrase! “My bad” has too much half-assness to it. I want to say to all of those people I offended that “I was wrong”. I will only write about positive things dealing with hairstyles from here on out. I’m a firm believer that you can write something positive about any subject. I’ll give you a few examples of how I can be positive even with some of the most challenging subjects.
Our President- Wow, this is a hard one! Let’s see. Hummmmm, how can I find something positive about the person that runs our country? OKAY! Here’s something positive to say! I think our president has a really good smile! AND, I think our president has a great love for his family and friends.
See. That wasn’t hard. Let me continue…
Fleas and ticks- An infestation of fleas on your dog can actually bring you and your pet closer together as you give your companion a good old-fashion flea bath. You can count on a few good chuckles of laughter when you see your dog all skinny, wet and cute looking up at you in the tub; as well as the satisfaction of the lifeless black dots floating around the murky water after you just won World War FLEA. (That was a great play on words by the way!) And for anything positive about a tick? I guess a tick doesn’t usually ask for seconds. It’s one meal with them and then they’re done.
Poison Ivy- The only thing positive I can think about poison ivy is that when you have the itchy rash, one of the best feelings in the WORLD is pouring hot water on it. Try it now if you have poison ivy! It feels like a million little baby fingers tickling your skin just the right way. It’s strange that super hot water can feel so good but you have to trust me on this one. I sort of wish I had a little disposable patch of poison ivy so I can burn it with hot water for a little childhood nostalgia. I have a much better example of how it feels but my mother is reading this and it wouldn’t be appropriate to say. I bet you can fill in the blanks, though.
Maybe a good time to have poison ivy would be during Halloween. You could be “Poison Ivy Man” and have one of the most original and authentic costumes your friend will ever see. Wear a white tank top and white shorts and glue a few poison ivy leaves on your chest in the shape of a “P”, and let the rash do the rest of the work for you. Maybe use one of those purple markers that a surgeon uses and circle all of your “hot spots” for added affect. What IF… and this is a BIG IF! What if you were at the Halloween party as “poison ivy man” and you accidentally bump into a super cute girl and something like this scene takes place… Here, let me act something out for you real quick.
I will play “poison ivy man” in this scenario. It takes place in a crowded down town Halloween party in the East Village. Bobby, “The poison Ivy Man” just moved from North Carolina to the city and is very lonely and hopes to meet a cute girl at the party to marry one day.
Bobby is at the punch bowl pouring himself a bamboo cup of a tropical looking drink. The host of the party has a Hawaiian them going on. A man dressed as a cowboy walks up to Bobby. He checks out Bobby’s outfit from head to toe.
MAN: Is this some sort of joke?
Bobby: Yes and no. I’m trying to make the best of an unfortunate situation.
MAN- Just don’t touch me, dude.
BOBBY- Don’t worry, I don’t want to touch you at all. Even if I didn’t have poison ivy, I would have a hard time shaking your hand or even patting you on the shoulder with THAT attitude. (Bobby checks out his cowboy outfit) That’s an interesting costume. Are you an asshole??
MAN- No. I’m a cow- WAIT! Did you just call me an asshole!
The man raises his fist in anger. Bobby frantically scratches one of his poison ivy hot spots on his arm and waves the freshly aroused rash in his face.
BOBBY- Back off, man! You want some of this?!… Huh? You wantin’ some poison ivy on that pretty face, cowboy?!
The man holds his hands in the air and gives up. He backs up slowly and walks out of the apartment.
Out of blue, a girl in a large cardboard orange juice container with “Have you seen this child?” written on the front of it, walks up to Bobby.
GIRL: I saw what you did to John and I thought you were awesome! You know who he is?
BOBBY: A real cowboy?
GIRL: No! He’s like one of the biggest executives in the entertainment business. I think he OWNS one of those big networks like NBC or something. Anyway, he’s a total asshole and I love how you put him in his place.
Bobby turns red.
BOBBY: Oh, great. I guess I should find another line of work now.
GIRL: You’re an actor?
BOBBY: Not any more… Yeah, I couldn’t help but notice, but isn’t it supposed to be a milk carton with the pictures of missing children?
The girl blushes and runs her beautifully shaped, leotard covered arms over the front of her outfit like it was a prom dress.
GIRL: You’re the only one who noticed. I was just trying to be silly.
They make eye contact- instant attraction.
BOBBY: You want some punch?
GIRL: No thanks. It tastes like dog shit. That’s some case of poison ivy ya got there. Where did ya get it?
BOBBY: Oh, this cute little Halloween shop in the middle of the woods.
GIRL: Can I show you something?
She lifts up the bottom of her box and rips a small hole in her leotard to reveal a nasty red rash all over her knee.
Bobby shakes his head and smiles.
BOBBY: I had this strange feeling we were connected in some way.
She smiles and holds out her hand.
GIRL: I’m Jill and I’ve got poison ivy.
Bobby shakes her hand, pushing his infected fingers deep into her soft skin.
BOBBY: It’s very nice to meet you, Jill. I’m Bobby, and I also have poison ivy. Do you wanna get out of here and compare rashes?
JILL: Wow. That’s pretty forward of you. I have a better idea, though. Why don’t we go back to my place, put on our bathing suits and take-
Bobby’s eyes light up and they both say, “A HOT SHOWER!” at the same time.
And that’s exactly what Bobby and Jill did. They took a hot shower and compared poison ivy rashes and are living happily ever after for two years and counting.
THE END
See, even poison ivy can be positive!
What was I saying? Oh yeah, I will be positive from now on and try my best not to offend anyone that much again. Keep on commenting so I will have to continue writing these damn Diarrheas! Have a great day!