Monthly Archive for October, 2006

October 31, 2006

Published on 10/31/2006 in Dear Diarrhea. 0 Comments

It’s been a long time. Sorry again. It always seems like I’m apologizing for everything I do lately. I might need to rethink the way I think about my life from now on and just except that I’m a busy person and I’m working on other money making ventures instead of writing my Dear Diarrheas. I know, I know, all I have to do is write a little blurb or what I call a “mini-squirt” each day and be done with it. I keep talking about doing that but once I start I can’t just write one paragraph – I must write on and on- STOP! No more excuses! Just write something, damn it!

Here we go. I’ll start off with telling you what I’m going to be for Halloween tonight. I’m going to be a diarrhea pizza delivery man. Let me explain… I work for a restaurant called “Diarizza Pizzarhea. Fresh Diarrhea Pizza On The Run!!” I will be wearing a uniform and carting around a Diarizza Pizzarhea in a box to be delivered to anyone that wants a good laugh. What’s in the box is for you to see if you go to Rififi tonight and go to the 10p.m. show that I’ll be performing on tonight along with Leo Allen, Gabe and Jenny, Joe Mande, Max, Noah and more. Should be a fun show and as always I will be there with the grossest costume! My mother will be reading this and she’ll be shaking her head but I honestly have a hard time NOT creating a gross and disturbing Halloween costume. One day I’ll list some of my past costumes for you. ACTUALLY! That’s what I’ll do- I’ll talk about my past costumes on stage tonight! Another reason to come to the show!

What else… Hummm, looks like I’m going to be doing a webisode show on Turner Network’s broadband station that will be launching in the New Year. The show will be pretty darn funny and once I get the clearing with my contractual shyte and stuff like that, I’ll tell ya what the show is all about. That’s a big reason I’ve been MIA with my double D’s of late. Now that I’m on the subject, I need to rent out a very small loft apartment in the city for a week or so and if anyone knows of anything let me know. It’s going to be the set of my Turner show and it needs to be REALLY SMALL. Around the 3 to 7 hundred square foot range. That’s the only hint that I’m going to give you guys. Let your head wander, starting… NOW!!!

Anything else? Oh, I got a negative comment for the very first time last week and I posted it for everyone to see. It was the Diarrhea that I wrote about dreadlocks back in January or something like that. I just want to let you guys know that I will post even the negative comments so feel free to voice your opinion. It will not hurt my feelings. And for a personal response to the negative commentator- I LOVE YOU, I respect your opinion and I didn’t vote for Bush! And by the way, you should see some of the positive comments that I was forced to delete due to extreme embarrassment. I’ll leave you with a few posts that I had to delete.

OCT 13TH 2005 “In response to your dear diarrhea about you eagerly going out of your way to save homeless turtles- I just want to say that you are a wonderful and caring human and I hope everyone thinks the same as me. Keep up the good work!”- Hope Sissorsworth, Dallas Texas.

FEB 4th 2004 “You are the funniest person this side of Rhode Island! I hope you post this because you really deserve the attention, you funny mother f’ing S.O.B.!!!! I want to scream out to the world right now!
PLEASE POST THIS!!!” William Joel, Upstate New York.

And one last one.

MARCH 12th, 2006 “The piece you wrote about the dreadlocks was very funny and I could tell you were just joking and being silly and non-judgemental. I laughed sooooo hard and I have had dreadlocks for the last TEN YEARS!!! Keep up the light-hearted silliness and I can’t wait for you to break out and make a REAL SHOW. BTW, I plan on naming my fourth child after you. It might take a while because I’m only fifteen and my parents won’t let me have babies yet. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, BOBBY! Please post this!!!” Misty Misterson, Vermont

What else can I say? See ya soon, friends!

October 11, 2006

Published on 10/11/2006 in Dear Diarrhea. 1 Comment

I was driving yesterday and at a stop light on the Upper West Side I watched a big bumble bee fly right into my car. I practically willed him into my comfort zone and strangely, not in a bad way. I have a super fear of bees- all kinds of bees, especially those violent little snots wearing the yellow jackets- but not on this day for some reason. My window was down, the day was beautiful- why not let a bumble bee hitch a ride for a few blocks? And that’s exactly what he did. (I have no idea if he was a he or a she. The bee had the energy of a young adult HE bee so from now on I’ll just call him Stanley).

Stanley just sat on my dash board and stayed there for about ten blocks, cleaning his hairy legs and slowly flipping his wings out to the side like a sleepy cat stretching after a long nap. Stanley had no intention of flying around my car to check out the interior like other bees in the past. No, he just wanted to rest his wings for a spell. Then finally, at another stop light, Stanley turned and looked at his previous entry point and took off right out the window and back into the city. I’m proud to say that I was never in the least afraid of the bumbly bee. He had friendship written all over him and I would offer Stanley, or any other bee of any kind, a ride in my car any time.

After Stanley took off and left I couldn’t stop thinking about where in the hell bumble bees live. I have never in my life run up on a hive of bumble bees. As much as I want to google this passing thought right now I’m going to hold off for a second and keep it a mystery for the time being. I mean, bumble bees are so nice! I bet they have lovely homes that are tidy, clean and roomy. I’m thinking that they live in a hole in the ground. This normally would scare the shit out of me because those feisty yellow jackasses live in the ground, too and I am super paranoid to walk in the woods and accidentally step on a bees nest.

For some reason I would think that if someone accidentally stepped on top of a bumble bee hole in the ground that the bees would just brush it off and chalk it up to an unfortunate mistake on the human part. Would I get mad if someone accidentally stepped on my front door? No. I might shake my head and poke my eyes through the peep hole and see if someone was going to step on my door again. Other than that I’d stay inside. Even if you purposely stepped on my front door, how much damage can you actually do to my HOME in the first place? That’s what the bumble bee would think, too. Sure you might have a bit of structural damage to your entry way, but that’s an easy fix and a lot less energy compared to getting all of the troops to attack and kill the heavy footed animal that mistakenly touched your front door. That’s what the yellow jackets do. Assholes!

That happened to me twice this last summer- once in Woodstock and another in North Carolina. I accidentally stepped on a yellow jacket hole and they ran out like a pack of wild crack heads and stung me multiple times without even a hint of remorse. I hate yellow jackets. The bumble bee would never do any harm to me. I kind of want to try to get stung by a bumble bee- I take that back, I don’t want to try to get stung by anything. That’s a bit stupid. The only animals that I like to harm me are cats, puppies, and small lizards. I love it when a cat rips into my flesh after a good one-on-one play fight. I enjoy the razor sharp teeth and the smell of puppy breath as a baby dog plays a little too ruff with me. Nothing makes my eyes light up more than catching a small lizard and letting it bite and hold on to my ear lobe like a four legged ear ring. Nothing good comes out of getting stung by a bee. Even the nicest bee sting still sucks.

I want to end this by saying that I enjoy bumble bees, or maybe I should call them “humble bees” now- and I want them to hang out with me any time they want to. I also love honey bees and from what I hear, they are pretty sweet, too. Pun intended!