I have to fill out my mail-in rebate from Staples before it’s too late. I can see why companies have mail in rebates and how they make tons of money from forgetful people like myself. Last night I had a dream that I had mail-in rebates for everything that I purchased in the last year but I only had an hour to fill them all out. It was like an action movie where I was fighting the clock to save a ton of money as well as sanity… Here’s a scene from the next movie I’m going to make called “Mail-In Rebate”.
We open on my character, Jonathan Streightshooter, screaming and running out of a Staples office supply store with his fleece jacket on fire.
People around the crowded New York City scene immediately get on their cell phones to call for help. A few people scramble to look for blankets and water. A punk rocker on a skate board yells, “Stop! Drop!
And put yourself out!” to the burning Jonathan.
JONATHAN- I need a stamp!!! Someone help me?! I need a stamp!
A businessman wearing a dark suit and a bright pink tie runs up to Jonathan with a bottle of Evian water and begins to shake it on Jonathan’s burning fleece.
JONATHAN- What the hell are you doing?! I need a stamp, not WATER!
MAN- Your fleece is on fire! Your fleece is-
Jonathan turns and looks at his burning fleece. The man was right.
JONATHAN- Oh GEEZ-US!!! My fleece is on fire!
The man puts Jonathan out. Jonathan removes the charred and soaking wet fleece and throws it away in a recycling canister.
MAN- I, ummm, don’t think you can recycle burned fleece.
Jonathan is too shaken up to respond to the man.
JONATHAN- I need a friggin’ stamp ASAP! Shit! Hey, you don’t have an extra stamp do ya?
With his two fingers, the man removes the fleece and holds it far from his suit and looks for a trash can.
MAN: I have bigger fish to fry, pal. Good luck on your stamp hunt.
The man walks across the busy street looking for a trash can.
Jonathan shouts to the man from across the street.
JONATHAN- Hey! Thanks for putting me out! And thanks for throwing that away for me! I owe you a bottle of water!
MAN- (yelling back) Just mail me a few dollars when you can! Here’s my address! Do you have a pen ready!?
JONATHAN- No! But I have an excellent memory! Go ahead, shoot!
MAN- Five-Six-Four, Henry Street… Brooklyn-
JONATHAN- Are you friggin’ kidding me?! I live across the street from you!
The man is still holding the dripping fleece out from his body.
MAN- No way?! How long have you lived in the neighborhood?!
JONATHAN- A year and a half! And you?!
MAN- (laughing hard in disbelief) A year and a half too! Ha haaa!!!
What a crazy coincidence!
JONATHAN- You’re telling me! WAIT! I bought some old golf balls from you at your stoop sale a few weeks ago! Now I remember! You’re Ted Hollersworth the Third!
MAN- You nailed it! That’s my name to the T! I forgot your name, though! What is it?!
JONATHAN- Jonathan Streightshooter!
MAN- Straight-what?!
JONATHAN- Shooter! Streightshooter! Like, Straight-Shooter!
Jonathan makes a couple air pistols with his hands and shoots at him from across the street.
JONATHAN CONT- Like, POW POW! Straight- shooter!
An old lady with a parrot sitting on her walker slowly walks up to the man.
OLD LADY: What are you going to do with that fleece? I can fix that ya know.
MAN: Oh! You can have it if ya want it.
He places the fleece in a little basket on her walker. Her parrot looks at him and screams to him.
PARROT- Whhhhaaaaack! Burnt fleece! Whhhhaaaaack! Burnt fleece!
The man smiles and tries to pat the parrot on the head but the parrot snaps at him.
OLD LADY- Julie doesn’t take kindly to pettin’… Thank you for the fleece.
She slowly walks away.
Across the street, Jonathan is still making shooting gestures.
MAN- (continues screaming) Right! Streightshooter! I remember you now!
JONATHAN- Well, howdy neighbor!
They both laugh.
MAN- Hey, why did you need a stamp anyway?!
JONATHAN- OH! Crap, I almost forgot! I need to mail off my mail-in rebate from Staples before I forget again. Last year I bought a computer at Staples and totally forgot to send in my rebate and I ended up loosing a hundred dollars! Ya know what!? Why don’t I come across the street so we don’t have to yell to each other anymore!
MAN- That sounds like a good plan!
Jonathan continues screaming to Ted Hollersworth as he waits at the light to cross the street.
JONATHAN- I’m glad you asked me about the stamps! I need to take care of my rebate as soon as possible because I always forget to send them in.
TED- That’s how they make all of their money! People like us forget to send them in!
They both laugh.
JONATHAN- Tell me about it!
The light turns green and Jonathan walks across the street towards Ted Hollersworth.
Ted reaches and pulls out his wallet.
TED- Hey! I think you’re in luck! I have an extra stamp!
JONATHAN- (halfway across the street) Great! I’ll mail it off-
A street cleaner smashes into and runs over Jonathan.
Ted screams and runs up to the surprisingly clean looking and dead body of Jonathan. Ted takes Jonathan’s mail in rebate from out of his back pocket and places a stamp on it.
TED- You’ll get your rebate this time, buddy. It was nice talking to ya, neighbor.
Four to Six weeks later the widow of Jonathan received a small postcard sized check for twenty dollars from Staples.
AND SCENE!
Well, I better go now and mail in my rebate before I forget again.
I’ll keep you posted on when the movie will be out in theaters! It’s gonna be a good one!
