So, spring is now in full bloom. That means one thing- grillin’ out! Here’s a picture of the hibachi that I will be doing all my grilling on this summer. My parents gave me this super old cast iron hibachi that they got at an antique store in NC. The guy that sold it to them said that he dug it up in his back yard and it looks to be made in the 1600′s… The date is wrong and over embellished for the sake of the story but the point is that this puppy is OLD! It cooks the shit out of some food, I’ll tell ya that right now, by god! My GF (girlfriend) just moved into this amazing pad in Carroll Gardens and she has a deck to grill out on. Not to mention, LAY OUT ON too! She lays out and gets a great tan while I grill out and give my food a great tan. This hibachi does a wonderful job of grilling, better than any Weber or other modern grill that I’ve worked with in the past.
It is true that my hibachi was dug up in the North Carolina mountains and I can just imagine why it was buried in the first place. The word hibachi sounds like an Indian name to me and I bet there’s a pretty fascinating story behind this cast iron grilling machine. Let’s go back in time and see if I can’t tell a story for you. Sit back and grab a tuna steak and imagine a hot bed of coals heating up an iron hibachi on the Mountains of The Great Smokes…
Chief Chef Longnails, head chef of the Moo-Goo Poo-Poo Indian reservation, is skinning a squirrel with his eight-inch finger nails.
His nails are very long and sharp and he uses them like kitchen knives. The squirrel is almost done except for the tail. Chief Chef Longnails uses the fluffy tail of the squirrel to wipe off the blood and guts from his hands. He then quickly removes the tail with one swipe of his thumb nail.
LONGNAILS: Done!
Longnails throws the squirrel on the hibachi. The sizzle of the squirrel brings a satisfying smile to the chef’s face.
LONGNAILS: (smelling the air just above the hibachi) Mmmmmm…
Squirrel smell good. Real good… Mmmmmm
There is a loud scream in the distance that breaks Longnails out of his bliss.
LONGNAILS: (yelling out into the air) Hopping Muddpuppy! Hopping Muddpuppy!
Another scream answers his call. The scream belongs to the beautiful Hopping Muddpuppy who Longnails has a huge crush on and wants to marry. She’s in her mid-twenties with long flowing black hair, perfect green eyes and a body To HUNT FOR!
LONGNAILS: (again yelling) Squirrel! Chow-chow! Squirrel! Chow-chow!
Hoping for Hopping Muddpuppy to dine-dine with Chief Chef Longnails!
Immediately Muddpuppy runs full speed to Longnails with a bundle of flowers tied together with a live black snake.
MUDDPUPPY: Squirrel smell good! Real good!… Muddpuppy bring flowers for feast!
She unties the snake and places the flowers in a beautiful clay pot that would go for a few thousand dollars on ebay if someone got a hold of it today. The snake slivers away unharmed.
LONGNAILS: Check out hibachi! Make my life whole lot easier!
MUDDPUPPY: Hibachi? What is hibachi? Funny sounding name! Hee hee hee!!!
She starts laughing and then for some random reason begins to dance around the hibachi – seems like this is a thing that the members of the Moo-Goo Poo-Poo tribe do when they are excited. Anyway, it’s charming and cute and Longnails seems to like it.
LONGNAILS: (pointing to gill) Hibachi! This is hibachi! I made it from cast Iron to cook food better. I call it hibachi because it sounds like good Indian name for grill.
MUDDPUPPY: Hibachi! Cook squirrel better! Mmmmmm! Hibachi! Hibachi!
Hee hee hee!! Name make me laugh still. Hee hee hee!!! Makes me think you are cute, chef Longnails! Hee hee.
Finally! Longnails said to himself. He won over her love- with his hibachi!
Muddpuppy runs to Longnails and dances with him around the hibachi.
They have love in their eyes.
LONGNAILS: Wait! Let me flip squirrel!
Muddpuppy runs over to the hibachi.
MUDDPUPPY: No! Let me flip squirrel! Hee hee….
They playfully fight over a spatula that was sitting next to the hibachi to see who would flip the squirrel.
LONGNAILS: Fine! Take spatula and flip squirrel.
He lets go of the spatula and right when she tries to flip the squirrel he uses one of his long nails, punctures the squirrel, and flips it into the air over her head and it falls back to the hibachi with perfect grill marks facing the two of them.
MUDDPUPPY: You fibber! You fib to Muddpuppy! Hee hee…
She playfully slaps his butt-check with the spatula. He spastically reacts to this and accidentally slices her wrist with his lethal fingernails. Blood goes everywhere.
LONGNAILS: NOOOOO!!!! Muddpuppy! NOOOOO!!!!
She slips and falls headfirst on the hibachi. Longnails rushes and takes her into his arms.
MUDDPUPPY: (dying) I… Iove… you… hib-…hibachi
LONGNAILS: You mean, Chief chef Longnails?
MUDDPUPPY: Both…
Then she dies in his arms. He screams her name into the night air and it echoes throughout the smoky mountain valleys.
Looking at the perfect grill marks on her forehead he decides to do the same to himself in honor of his lost young love. He stands over the hot iron and brands his forehead on the hibachi. Then he buries Hopping Muddpuppy and the hibachi together… forever.
So now if I ever see a ghost with grill marks on his or her forehead and they look to be Indians, I’ll know what the deal is.
THE END
And that is my made-up legend that comes with the hibachi that I am using now. Seems to work for me!
