Monthly Archive for January, 2006

January 30, 2006

Published on 1/31/2006 in Dear Diarrhea. 0 Comments

The year of the dog! Yay!!! That’s what I am… a Libra-Dog and proud as hell of it! The year of the dog officially started last Sunday which, oh, I don’t know, was the same day that I was in the SUNDAY TIMES! This is a good sign of what’s to come. This is MY year… The year of the Dog. I’m tempted to get a tattoo of a dog to remind me of my stellar year to come but after this year it will be the year of the Rooster or Rat or something other than the Dog and that would look stupid.

It’s Monday afternoon in the middle of winter and it’s over 60 degrees outside… I also blame that on the year of the Dog… more like the year of the hot dog if you know what I mean! Something isn’t right about this weather at all… Too early for spring fever! I just got over a wintry mix of the stomach flu for crying out loud, now a case of the spring fever? Can’t take it! Speaking of the stomach flu, I hope that that NEVER happens to me again. I seriously thought that I was going to drown in my own vomit and someone, most likely my GF along with a cop or two, would find me with my head in the toilet and my pants around my ankles with diarrhea splattered all over the walls like something out of a horror movie. That would SUCK to be found dead like that. Just think about what my girlfriend would have to re-live over and over in her head if she found me in that condition.

Here’s a scenario that could’ve happen to my girlfriend. Turn this into a little scene…

Detective Grapes is interviewing Bobby’s girlfriend a few hours after they found Bobby’s diarrhea and puke splattered body in his closet. (I made him die in the closet to add some mystery to the story… “him” as in me, Bobby. I don’t want to admit to being dead just yet.)

The girlfriend is clutching an Oscar award that Bobby won for a movie to be named later and she is wearing all of Bobby’s fancy blazers so she’s unable to move her arms well enough to dab the tears running down her face.

DETECTIVE GRAPES- Sorry about your loss, ma’am. I just have a few questions to ask you and I’ll let you get back with your family to start grieving over an amazing person and actor like much of the world is doing as we speak. First of all, you said earlier that you were Bobby’s girlfriend? Is that correct?

GIRLFRIEND- (using the Oscar award to wipe her tears) Yes.

GRAPES- And you were the first person to find Bobby’s diarrhea and puke splattered body in his closet?

GF- (sobbing) What…. What are you asking of me?

GRAPES- I’m sorry, ma’am… Please just describe the condition of Mr. Tisdale when you first found his body.

GF- He… (sobbing even harder) He was wearing his favorite pair of cutoff wranglers that he normally wore around the apartment… Ummm, they had a hole blown… (breaks down for a few moments)… they had a hole blown out of the bottom of his shorts… and… and poop-

GRAPE- (turning into “bad cop”) You mean… DIARRHEA!?

GF- Yes! Yes!!!! Diarrhea! What do you want from me?! (sobbing and clutching the Oscar)

GRAPES- I want the truth! Now listen to me, sister! What else did you see other than EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA on his body?!

GF- I didn’t do anything! I didn’t kill Bobby if that’s what you’re getting at! (starts removing a few of his jackets to get more mobile) He had the stomach flu!

GRAPES- I asked you to re-live the horrible death scene and tell me exactly what you saw! Now besides the diarrhea, what else did you see coming out of his body!

GF- (crying with anger now) PUKE PUKE PUKE PUKE!!!! Diarrhea blown right out of his jean-shorts and puke all over himself and all over everything in the closet! Can I just LEAVE now, asshole!

GRAPES- (smiling) Yes… Of course you can leave. That was all I wanted to hear. Just a little cooperation, that’s all. (Handing her his card) I just needed to get your words down for the record. Thank you so much and enjoy the rest of your grieving.

Detective Grapes hands her some of the jackets that she threw on the floor.

GF- I don’t need your help! Just leave me alone!

GRAPES- What? Are you gonna call me an A-hole again? That wasn’t very nice.

GF- You made me re-live that horrible scene all for nothing! Just for your records?! Yes! You are an asshole!

Detective Grapes begins to cry.

GRAPES- I’m sorry… (really sobbing now) I… I… loved Bobby too… (off her look) No! His body of work… I was a huge fan of his and… and I guess I was just jealous that I wasn’t the one to discover his body first…

She feels bad for the detective and hugs him. They both have a good cry.

GF- There, there.

GRAPES- I got you a little something.

He hands her a photo of something. She looks at it and starts to smile and cry at the same time. It’s a picture of the diarrhea splattered wall and on it was written. “Year of the Dog! Yay!!!”

GF- Thanks… But you keep it. (Pointing to the Oscar) I’m gonna keep this as my reminder of Bobby…

GRAPES- Think I could have one of his blazers?

GF- Fuck-off and go to hell… Just Kidding! That’s something Bobby would’ve said! But seriously, fuck off… these are mine.

Then the detective turns around and walks out of the smelly closet where he held the interview.

And as you can see, it would be pretty hard to deal with a death like that and I’m glad it’s over and done with… Let’s hope that the stomach flu is not gong to be an issue in the near future. By the way, sorry this diarrhea was actually FILLED with diarrhea talk. Next one is a clean one! (Mom)

I wish I could write more but I’m going shopping for some wranglers now!

Party!

January 24, 2006

Published on 1/24/2006 in Dear Diarrhea. 3 Comments

Junebug is now out on DVD and I want everyone to buy it, watch it over and over, and let me know how good I am in it. Then I want everyone to get on IMDB.com (independent movie data base dot com) and go to Junebug’s message board and write comment after comment about what a wonderful job I did in the movie… Here, I’ll do all the leg work and all you have to do is cut and paste. Here are some choices to pick from….

“I LOVED this movie! Especially that redheaded guy… (Bobby Tisdale
something?) He was great in that scene with Johnny in Replacements Unlimited! Love to see him in more stuff. Does anyone know how I can get in touch with his people? Once again, great job Bobby Tisdale something!”

“Okay… Quick question. Ummmm, I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a silly and awestruck ‘super fan’ but am I alone here or is Bobby Tisdale the best thing to ever happen to that movie?! LOL like crazy right now!!! I’m actually SPEAKING and LOL’ing out loud as I write this!!! Ha ha haaaa!!! No seriously, not to sound like a weird ‘I’ll do anything for Bobby Tisdale’ megga-fan, but not only was that the BEST movie of the year and will be an instant classic, I think that scene with Bobby will jump-start him into super stardom! Crying out loud right now!!! I can’t believe how excited I am!!! I have actual tears of joy falling down my checks at this very moment!”

“I just have fifty-seven words for you- Bobby Tisdale was AWESOME in Junebug! I HAVE to see him in more movies! But for now, you just HAVE TO read his Dear Diarrheas on his web site! Not only is he a great performer but he is a FABULOUS writer ta boot! They (Industry bigs) should make his DD’s into a movie! I f’ing kid you not!”

“Move over Jonathan Stamos, there’s a new Full House type of guy out there and his name is Bobby Tisdale! And when I say ‘move over Jonathan Stamos’ I’m talking about making room for Bobby to do a guest appearance on your new sit-com. Oh, btw, Junebug was great!”

“Bobby Tisdale is to Junebug as Banana’s are to rice pudding. You never thought it would be so good to mix the two! It’s a great new taste that I have an insatiable appetite for now! Who would’ve thunk it? Bananas added to rice pudding?! Come on, get the fuck outta here! And Bobby added to Junebug!? NOW we’re talking!!!”

“I just got the DVD and was watching the movie and I had to press pause when Bobby Tisdale’s scene came on. After studying all of his facial expressions and vocal inflection for over six hours, I came to the conclusion that Bobby is a flawless actor. How do I know this? Let’s just say that I’ve written a few books on the subject… Let’s just say that my name rhymes with Meisner, okay…. Let’s just say that my name rhymes with Meisner you say? I could go on and on with that but the point is, Bobby was so natural and effortless in his body of work that I use his face as my screen saver now… Way ta knock it out of the park, Bobby!”

“Hooray for the Tizzer! I want to bring it down a notch and thank the Director and casting people that got Bobby on board with Junebug. I feel that he’s on the fast track to becoming something really special in the movie business and if it wasn’t for you guys, I wouldn’t be creating all of these cool nicknames for Bobby. Great movie and great casting!”

“Junebug 2, anyone? I have the story right here… It Stars Bobby Tisdale, and his character impregnates a busload of college tennis players that are in his home town for a tennis tournament. In this movie, ALL thirty of the babies are born healthy and the only complication was that the first twenty-eight infants were all girls. After stating earlier in the movie that he wanted at least five boys out of the baby batch, he was noticeably upset with the girl to girl ratio at that moment and said that if there was a boy to be delivered in the last two deliveries he was going to name it Junebug. The last two babies turned out to be boys and he kept his promise. And that is where Junebug 2 came from… Oh, btw, Junebug 1 was awesome!”

Anyway, these are a few comments to choose from if you don’t want to come up with your own. The main thing here is that you go out and buy the DVD for yourself and watch a wonderful movie that I am blessed and thankful to have a minutes worth of face time in.

Go on and do it now!

January 18, 2006

Published on 1/18/2006 in Dear Diarrhea. 3 Comments

Wow, look at those drop-dread gorgeous dreadlocks on that young college student! Wow, the smell just makes my heart go thumpity-thump with nostalgia! Mmmmm, love the smell of his wet dreadlocks!

There is a kid that looks no more than eighteen (on a dry day, but more like fifteen when drenched in rain water) that just parked his bottom a couple tables down from me and I can smell his hair all the way from here. He smells… well, it’s hard to explain… like a myriad of flavors and bouquets….

There should be a perfume/cologne called “Dreadlocks”, which is a mixture of patchouli, human body oils, dirt, spit, saliva, bird shit and piss (Don’t think I’ve ever seen a bird take a leak but if they do, and I’m almost positive that they do, it would definitely be in the “Dreadlock” perfume), sand, dust, air pollution, suntan oils and sun block, grass, pot smoke, pencil lead and random ink from pens (name a color), ear wax, pollen, fly and other insect spit, fly and other insect saliva, the flu and cold virus, human hair, salt, coffee, food particles, herbal teas, lipstick, skin flakes from humans and other animals, cat dander, hacky-sack residue, cooking oils and grease, carpet fibers, maybe some kitty litter, alcohol, paint, tree bark, mold spores, cigarette smoke residue such as tar and nicotine, loose tobacco, human snot, animal snot, fecal matter of all kinds, pot cookies and brownies, raisins (maybe), beeswax, chewing gum, candy, and other ingredients that I haven’t thought of yet. I seriously think this would be a cool product for all of the hippies and other earthy creatures to use if they have to get a nine-to-fiver and had to shave their old dreadlocks off for company policy. That way they’ll always have that familiar smell with them at all times.

The key to selling this product of course lies in the packaging. This is crucial to all perfumes on the market. You want to be able to sell to all sorts of people, young prepubescent hippies, hippie enthusiasts, ex-hippies, Rastafarians, just about anyone looking for that earthy smell that we’ve all been around at one point or another. I think the ultimate packaging for “Dreadlock” would be a hemp drawstring sack that is filled with natural hemp fibers that holds an actual product-soaked human dreadlock, cut fresh from locations all around the world! Coming in all shapes and colors and smells that vary from country to country. For example… our southern line of “Dreadlock” would smell a little heavier on the tobacco and Burger King scents and a bag of “Dreadlock” from say… Amsterdam- would probably be highlighted with the smell of sex and marijuana. Of course all of the perfumes are consistent with the ingredients that I mentioned before. At any rate, you get the point.

Here’s the tag line for the product… “We guarantee that each bag of “Dreadlock” is grown and aged for over five years or MOST of your money back!”

It just has to be that way to achieve the quality that we are guaranteeing… Our company will never give you a dreadlock under five years old, just wouldn’t smell right, you know. Not like we’re using one or two year old locks from a dreadlock factory in Indonesia with unnatural growing conditions… Wouldn’t dare! (I guess this idea just turned into an official “company”…. I’m a dreamer, that’s for sure.)

But with everything I’ve mentioned about the distinct smells and packaging, it’s the application that’s the cool part! You pull out your three inch dread and use it like a paint brush and dab and wipe it where you’d normally place your oils and perfumes. It’s that simple! And have fun with it, too!!! Use your dreadlock to apply your other creams and cosmetics that you have in your cabinets to add the patented “Dreadlock” scent to almost ANYTHING!

“The power of “Dreadlock” will overpower any other product you own, GUARANTEED, or three-fourths your money back!” (There I go again with another tag line)

So give me your credit card numbers and give me a holler and you will receive a bag of “Dreadlock” within ninety business days. (I need time to start making the hemp bags and finding the dreadlocks, so bear with me.)

I love money making ventures that in this case, oh, I don’t know….
WILL SELL and make me HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS!!!

Anyway, enough for today. Keep on keepin’ on!

January 16, 2006

Published on 1/16/2006 in Dear Diarrhea. 0 Comments

I love watching commercials using animals, especially the dog and cat food ones because you know that the crew went through a long-ass day of shit on the set. I can relate because I actually worked with a dog in a Citizens Bank commercial about a year ago so, oh, I don’t know… I know first hand what the deal is!… It’s tough working with animals because you never really know what they’re gonna do… Talk about bloopers! I had a few funny encounters with my actor dog, that’s for sure! The commercial I was in was about people and their dogs going through the drive-thru at the bank and after each friendly transaction, the teller gives each person a dog treat. Never seen the commercial but I think the tag is something along the lines of… “Citizens Bank, we like dogs as much as humans!” Maybe someone’s seen it, I’m in it for a split second and I’m driving a 1978 Datsun 280z with my super large and smelly redheaded dog named Lasso… But the bloopers! Oh my god, don’t get me started! We had a hell of a time getting Lasso settled into his role. All the canine had to do was sit shotgun and look at the camera and take the dog treat as I drove off… simple enough, right?! Do you know how many times he LICKED MY FACE?! All as I was trying to drive a loose clutched four-speed without stalling out, park in an exact mark in front of the window and then do my lines!… Just about four times!!! I’m all saying shit to him like, “Stop licking me Lasso, we’ve got a scene to do! And it tickles and I can’t help laughing, thus creating these bloopers!”

Oooooh, what a crazy day on set that was! Seriously, it wasn’t easy at all. Lasso and I were super cramped in the tiny sports car and he had a nonstop stream of slobber dripping all over me because it was a hundred degrees outside and we didn’t have AC, so we were both hot as balls in there… I was sweating all my base off too. (I love saying “base”) Just terrible conditions to say the least. The best part was watching the panicked trainer crouching down and waving a dog treat right under the window so Lasso would look into the camera. All it did was make him pant and cry and lick me with his horrendous breath, turning the once funny bloopers into annoying bloopers – which I never thought was possible! It got old fast when the director started getting frustrated and almost gave up on Lasso and his owner which would’ve equaled me getting cut out of the commercial and not receiving any residuals… But before our final go at it I had a little human-heart to dog-heart with Lasso and asked him kindly to suck it up for not only me and the director, but for his red-faced owner unable to control her dog who wouldn’t be hired in this business ever again. Anyway, like a gift from above, the last take went perfectly smooth- me pulling up to the window exactly on point without stalling out, delivering my lines with charm and wit, and then in one smooth motion handing off the dog-treat to my companion like we’d been doing this sort of thing for years! Just me and Lasso, doing errands together in my sardine can of a car without any air-conditioning or any room to move! The only way I do my banking!

I sure was glad it was over and everything worked out well in the end and I wouldn’t hesitate to work with Lasso again in the future… Only this time in, oh, I don’t know… A LARGER VEHICLE WITH AIR-CONDITIONING!!!!

Quickly, back to my love of cat and dog food commercials. I was watching a Meow Mix type of commercial the other night and in it they had a kitten tearing around the kitchen corner and savagely tearing into a bowl of the kitten food. I don’t really think I’m going out on a limb here but I’m almost a hundred percent positive you can’t train a kitten that small, you can only starve them. Which is a form of training, I suppose… I can just see the trainer on set holding a stopwatch in one hand and an extremely hungry six-week old tabby in his other, ready to eat ANYTHING… Here’s an example of what might happen…

Open up on a commercial set:

Standing behind a kitten trainer and his kitten is a member of the ASPCA, watching to make sure that everyone is complying with the ” Humane Kitten Rules” which he has in his hands.

The trainer looks at his stopwatch.

TRAINER: (Off set) Okay guys! Get the cameras rolling… We’re about to hit forty-eight hours in… Thirty!… Twenty-nine!… Twenty-eight!… Twenty-seven…

The crew hustles to ready the lights, cameras and other equipment.

Patty, the cat and dog food stylist, quickly stacks the kitten food perfectly in the bowl, sprinkling the food with a few more pellets of aardvark droppings for safe measure. (Apparently in this scenario that I’m writing for you, kittens just LOVE the smell and taste of aardvark dung and that’s what lures the animal to the kitten food. That and of course the fact that the kitten is going on forty-eight “legal hours” of starvation, or what the ASPCA’s rule books call, “Kitten Fasting” )

DIRECTOR: Patty! Let’s do this TODAY please! Justin!? Muzzle the other kittens, I can still hear them!

Justin, an assistant to the trainer, is frantically replacing a kitten muzzle that one of the reserve kittens ate through because it was so hungry. Finally, all the kittens are quiet and muzzled up.

DIRECTOR: Time?

TRAINER: (Looking at the ASPCA guy’s stopwatch) And… Ten!… Nine!… Eight…

DIRECTOR: Camera’s rolling!

CAMERA MAN: Rolling!

DIRECTOR: Slate?

Obviously allergic to cats, a swollen and scratchy eyed guy holds out the slate in front of the camera.

SLATE GUY: Kitty-Mix Kitten Food, take one.

DIRECTOR: On action, release the kitten. Everybody, quiet please. And… ACTION!

The trainer releases the kitten from his grips and immediately the kitten tears off toward the bowl of food. Everyone on set is on the edge of their seats in hopes that the kitten will do its thing without a hitch.

The kitten runs really fast around the corner of the kitchen set, looses control and slides into the fridge. Keeping its little legs moving, the kitten regains its balance and focus and heads straight to the bowl of food. Finally reaching its destination, the furry little animal feasts on the kitten mix like a well trained starving kitten should… super cute-like.

DIRECTOR: And cut! Check the gate, please?

Everyone slaps fives and hugs… The camera man checks the gate for possible screw-ups and flaws in the recording. Looks good.

CAMERA MAN: Everything looks good!

DIRECTOR: I liked it! One and done! I think that’s a wrap!… We got really lucky, folks! Great job everyone. Feed the reserves and let’s get the hell outta here!

So everything that possibly could go wrong… DIDN’T! Everything went perfectly smooth and I’m proud to say in this scenario that I wrote for you, I could’ve gone EVERYWHERE with the disaster possibilities but I didn’t. I’ll save that for another Diarrhea… No illegal acts of animal cruelty or anything! Just good, clean fun on the set of a kitten food commercial.

That’s enough for today! I’m getting hungry for some aardvark dung!

January 9, 2006

Published on 1/9/2006 in Dear Diarrhea. 1 Comment

I had a good time watching a show on the Discovery Channel called Fun Food Factories and now FINALLY I know how they make Jiffy Peanut Butter, Peeps, Charm’s Blow-Pops, Cheese Puffs, and the oh so famous and collectible…PEZ. All of the factory visits were chock-full of fun-facts like… ‘Peeps uses so-in-so tons of sugar in a year, enough to fill a football field with SEVEN feet of sugar!’ and at the Jiffy Peanut Butter plant the owner said, ‘It takes eight-hundred peanuts to make a jar of Jiffy and in just one year they use the weight of 15 elephants in peanuts!’… That’s a lot of peanuts and at the same time it was a very creative way to give me the information! Way ta go, fun-facts!

They don’t use those types of fun-facts in some of the more serious shows you see on cable… Like going to visit an abortion clinic…
‘Here’s a little fun-fact! We do over FIVE-THOUSAND abortions a year! Enough to fill the bed of a pickup truck with fetuses… over THREE INCHES HIGH!’… My mother is going to kill me when she reads this… I’m kidding, Mom! Just a joke! Here’s a better example that won’t offend anyone… ‘Here we are at the New York State Sewage Plant… In one day, New York processes over seven million pounds of sewage waste! Enough to fill FIVE-MILLION empty Jiffy Peanut butter jars stacked on FIFTEEN ELEPHANTS, all of this on ONE football field!’ Don’t even get me started! (This diarrhea is starting to sound like a chunk of my new hour long comedy set that will be in colleges and clubs all over the country in the coming year. You heard it here first!)

I asked my girlfriend a serious question this morning as we were walking to the subway. I asked her where the term ‘hate your guts’ came from and she really didn’t know either. It is a pretty weird thing to say… The ‘hate your guts’ question was in my dreams all night and it carried over right to where I am now, sitting in front of my keyboard. It was the kind of dream where you knew you were dreaming but at the same time the content was very interesting and challenging and posed some hard-nosed questions in need of some answers. I never figured out where the term came from as I lay tossing and flipping in bed. In my dream I kept on seeing a bloody deer carcass on the side of the road and looking at all of the guts spewed everywhere I said to myself, ‘I really think deer are beautiful and the meat is quite delicious, but the guts? Oh, don’t get me started on the guts, girl!!!… I hate it’s guts.’

I remember saying that to my mother when I was a kid. It seems to be the first nasty thing a kid picks up to say to a parent… Thank God my mother was understanding and cool when I blew my top as a youngster.

BOBBY- I hate your guts, Mom!

MOM- And why do you think that is, young son?

BOBBY- I don’t really know? Good question… George says that to his mother with a lot of success and I thought since I’m angry at you right now, why not try it out?

MOM- Well, if it’s only my innards that you hate about me, then I can live with that. It’s my heart and soul that would bother me most for you to despise. Try to ask yourself next time why you hate my guts and we can talk about it then. For now, I want you to go back to your room and do your ballet like I asked you to.

BOBBY: But… But, MOM! Arrrgggg! I hate your guts!

MOM- Doesn’t make sense, honey… Go upstairs and put your tights on. Oh, by the way… I LOVE your guts!

BOBBY: Aaaarrrgggg! I don’t have an answer for that!

Then I would stomp upstairs to my room and put on my tights, crank the ballet music and do as my mother asked.

No, I never did ballet as a kid. I kind of wish I had a story like that but I don’t. A random ballet story will have to wait for another Diarrhea.

I still would like to figure out where the ‘hate your guts’ term came from. If anyone knows, fill me in… Until then, I’ll just try to fit the topic into my comedy set that will blow most everyone a new and improved asshole in the coming months… WATCH OUT!

Bye, and for the most part I love everyone!

January 3, 2006

Published on 1/3/2006 in Dear Diarrhea. 1 Comment

I didn’t dance at any New Year’s Eve parties this year. First time in a long time! Stayed at home with my girlfriend this year. No, the masses didn’t get to see my moves this time but I really didn’t mind. It’s good to take a break from dancing from time to time. (Unless I’m break dancing! Then I’d have to say that I’m taking a “breather” from break dancing) I’m great at the sixteen-step, which is a dance that I made up a few years back. Basically anyone can do it- don’t have to be a Fredrick Astair or a Greg Peck to pick up the sixteen-step, all you have to do is be able to count to sixteen by twos and jump around from side to side and shake your index finger out in front of you as if to say, “Back off sister! Nah nah nah, baby. Not this time.” It’s more of a chant-dance than anything. The louder you can chant to the beat the better the dance is. Look for it at the next dance party that you see me attending, it’s pretty much the only dance I do. That and “the silly geese” dance which I’ll explain in a later diarrhea.

I think I want to get some of the black wax stuff so people will think I’m missing a tooth. I was watching Cinderella Man and he (the actor named Russ Crowe) had a missing tooth and I can’t for the life of me believe that Russ Crowe had a tooth pulled for the part. I’m willing to bet ALL of my chompers that he used the black wax stuff that you can find at any costume shop to make him look like he had a missing tooth. GUARANTEE IT! You would have to be a pretty retarded actor to actually pull a tooth for a part in a movie. And getting a part in a movie like that is like pulling a tooth!… I take that back, I would do it in a heart beat if I were asked to pull a tooth to play a boxer in a blockbuster movie.

I loved playing with that stuff as a kid. There where so many ways to fool people with a missing tooth. Here’s a good scenario in which a kid fools a parent with the blackout wax. You know what? I’m going to turn this into a Christmas play to beat all Christmas (holiday) plays out of the sappy water! Here’s a snippet of the play that I like to call… THE BLACKOUT MIRACLE

The play takes place in a small town in Wisconsin. I chose Wisconsin because it’s much easier to write a midwestern accent than to speak it (for me that is). Plus, all of my plays are southern and for the start of the new year, I want to use the WHOLE country from now on. So here we go…

We open up on a wintry morning in the small town of Wakachoochoo, Wisconsin. (made up town, not familiar with that state at all)

Little Tommy Bradford the Third, age six, is waxing on his new snowmobile with his piss-poor friend Geo Tate, age six as well. Geo is so poor his family couldn’t afford to give him a full name (George)- and that’s POOR!

TOMMY- You’re sure you don’t want to borrow one of my coats, Geo? Your… coat thingie looks really thin and uncomfortable.

Geo is wearing a burlap makeshift jacket with pockets all over that are filled with big river rocks that were warmed on his parent’s wood stove. The jacket looks to weigh over a hundred pounds.

GEO- No thanks, I love this jacket! My father made it for me and it’s actually really warm for up to ONE HOUR! If I get cold all I have to do is put the rocks on a wood stove or in a fireplace and I’m good to go. Now stop worrying about me and let’s get ta waxin’ this baby!

Geo turns around really fast, back towards the snowmobile causing one of his river rocks to smash and break the snowmobile windshield.
Geo turns bright red as he stands frozen looking at the damage. Tommy starts to cry a little but quickly stops before Geo notices. He tries to make Geo feel better.

TOMMY- It was an accident… Just an accident, Geo

GEO- I’m so STUPID!… CRUD! Look what my jacket did? Ah man, I’m so sorry Tommy…

TOMMY- Hurry! Help me pick up the glass before mom comes out and has a cow!

They both scramble to pick up the glass when we HEAR Tommy’s mother screaming out of the window.

MOTHER: Tommy! Was that glass I just heard- (noticing the broken windshield) Tommy! Get in the house right now!

GEO- (to Tommy’s mother) It was my fault, Mrs.-

TOMMY-(cutting Geo off in a loud scream) LA LA LA!… Mom, I broke it and I’ll be right in.

GEO- Tommy, what are you doing?

MOTHER- I’m going to call a window repairman and you’re going to pay for it mister! Clean that mess up and when I get off the phone you better be ready to give me some money, I want that snowmobile ready before your father gets home!

TOMMY- Okay Mother.

GEO- I’m paying for this, Tommy. I did it.

TOMMY- No, you don’t have any money.

GEO- I have a little… Or, I WILL have a little money after this tooth comes out.

Geo wiggles a loose tooth with his dirty little finger.

GEO- The tooth fairy will leave me some money and I’ll give it to you as soon as I get it.

TOMMY- Hey, you’re on to something here… Hummmmm, how much does the tooth fairy usually give you for a tooth?

Without hesitation, Geo holds out five of his dirty little poor fingers.

GEO- Five cents! And for a molar I get seven.

TOMMY- FIVE CENTS? Wow…

GEO- But the tooth fairy also leaves me a gold star that I can collect for prizes at the end of the year. I have three stars and when I get up to ten, I can trade them in for a pair of socks from the dollar store. I’ve been trying to get my other teeth loose as fast as I can by doing this every night.

Geo opens his mouth really wide exposing his teeth and begins to punch himself in the mouth. Tommy grabs his arm after the fourth punch. He would’ve stopped him earlier if he didn’t go into shock looking at what was taking place in front of him.

TOMMY- Oh my gosh, stop! Are you kidding me?!… You’re punching yourself in the mouth to loosen your teeth for the tooth fairy?…
Stop!

Geo feels another loose tooth.

GEO- Hey! I have another loose tooth!… Oh, do you have a wood stove or a fireplace so I can heat up my rocks? I’m starting to get cold.

Tommy shakes his head in disbelief.

TOMMY- I’ll be right back.

Tommy goes into the house. You can hear his mother screaming out prices and other crap to Tommy. He returns with a brand new goose-down jacket and gives it to Geo.

GEO- I can’t take this. My jacket is just fine as long as I heat up my rocks for a few minutes-

TOMMY- Put it on for now then. We don’t have a wood stove or a fire burning in the fireplace right now so this will have to do. I also want you to keep it because I have fifteen of these in every color.

Geo takes off his burlap coat and it hits the ground in a loud thud. He puts on the new jacket and is immediately warm and cozy. He smiles like he just got the best gift in the world.

GEO- Wow! This thing is warmer than the sun!… I… I’ll bring it back to you tomorrow.

TOMMY- The answer is no. Mom will never know it’s missing. She’s too caught up with herself to notice anything I do. Well, except for when something goes wrong.

Tommy points to the broken glass on the ground. Geo bends down and picks up more glass.

GEO- I’m so sorry about this.

TOMMY- I’ve got an idea! Geo, let me see your teeth again?

Geo opens his mouth and Tommy inspects his loose teeth.

TOMMY- When do you think you can get a tooth to the tooth fairy?

GEO-Right now, but I’d rather wait until I get home so I won’t lose it.

TOMMY- What do ya say we trade in one of your teeth to my tooth fairy? I bet I could get you a lot of money from mine. I get a hundred dollars per tooth from my tooth fairy and if I put your tooth under my pillow-

Geo knows where this is going and without hesitation he yanks not one, but two teeth out of his mouth and hands the bloody little chompers to Tommy.

GEO- And you can take that money and pay for the windshield!

TOMMY- Exactly! And here’s the cool part, I have this black wax from my magic kit and when you put it on your teeth it looks like you’re missing a tooth! I fooled my dad with it the other day and he didn’t know it was fake at all… If I can fool my dad, then I know I can fool my mom, she doesn’t pay attention to me at ALL! Isn’t that great!

GEO- That your mother doesn’t pay attention to you?

TOMMY- Yeah!… I love playing tricks on my parents! Okay, let me wash the blood off- no, better yet, I’ll leave the blood on. It will look even more real. I’m gonna go get my magic kit out and you can help me blacken out a couple teeth. Then I’ll show my mom these and by tomorrow we can use that money to pay for the window and what’s left I’ll give to you.

GEO- That’s a great idea! You don’t have to give me any money… Maybe give me what my fairy would’ve given me, that’s fine. I can do a lot with ten cents.

They hear Tommy’s mother yelling out the window.

MOTHER- You owe me two-hundred and seventy dollars, young man. Start loading up the trailer, we’re going to get it fixed before your father gets home tonight- What in God’s name is your friend doing to himself?!

Tommy looks over at Geo punching himself in his mouth. He grabs his arm to stop him.

TOMMY- Ha ha haaa, it’s a silly game we play when someone says the word “trailer” we have to punch ourselves in the mouth! Ha ha ha, isn’t’ that right, Geo?

GEO- Uh, yeah. Oh… YEAH!

MOTHER- We’ll that sounds great. Get the trai- um, I mean get the snowmobile ready, we’re leaving in ten. Say goodbye to your friend and I’ll see you in the Hummer!

She slams the window shut.

Geo starts punching himself again.

TOMMY- Stop that!!!!

GEO- But I only gave you two teeth and the window costs two-hundred and seventy dollars! I need to give you another tooth to cover it.

TOMMY- Stop! Wait ‘til they come out naturally. She won’t bill me for the window until the end of the month anyway. Everything I break comes off my monthly allowance so you have plenty of time to get another tooth to me.

GEO- Are you sure?

TOMMY- Yes. Now help me out with loading this on the trailer.

GEO- Ha ha! You have to punch yourself in the mouth! You said trailer!

TOMMY- (very playful) I’m gonna punch YOU in the mouth if you don’t hurry up and help me load this thing on the trailer!

They throw a couple snowballs at each other, laugh and joke around.

CUT TO THE NEXT DAY

Tommy is outside waxing the newly repaired snowmobile. He looks up as he hears Geo’s rock-filled burlap coat clanging towards him in the driveway.

TOMMY- What happened to the jacket I gave you?

GEO- I let my father wear it. He needs it more than I do. He got a couple of snow shoveling jobs today. Plus I added a few more river rocks to this baby and I’ll be fine for a couple more hours.

TOMMY- (smiling and showing his fake missing teeth) What do ya think?

GEO- Wow… It looks so real? Did they notice at all?

TOMMY- Not at all! Mom was like, “Yeah great… congratulations, put them under your pillow” and didn’t even look at me at all. I can do this forever! Well, at least until I lose all of my real teeth.

GEO- Good news, I have another loose tooth to cover the rest of the cost.

Geo wiggles his new loose tooth and it pops out without him trying.

GEO- Awesome! Here ya go.

He hands the bloody tooth to Tommy. Tommy smiles and pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to Geo.

TOMMY- And this is for you… from the tooth fairy. (nodding towards Geo’s new tooth) And with this one, I’ll have another hundred bucks for you tomorrow. Actually, give it a week, they might catch on if I “lose” three teeth in two days.

Geo looks at all the money. He has never seen so much money in his life.

GEO- This is a lot more than ten cents, Tommy…. A LOT MORE! I can’t take this.

TOMMY- Yes you can and yes you will. My dad paid for the window… He was gonna pay for it the whole time… Ya see, my mother always threatens to take money from my allowance but she never does. She knows I’ll pull the old, “neglect your own son to go shopping” guilt trip that I use on her all the time and she always gives in. I just wanted to play a trick on them and it worked! We did it, Geo! And every time you get a tooth to me, I’ll give you the whole amount that the tooth fairy gives me.

GEO- I don’t know what to say? This is so much money.

Geo begins to cry.

TOMMY- Ah, don’t cry Geo.

GEO- I can use this to help my parents out. This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me in my life. Thank you so much Tommy.

He hugs Tommy. Tommy drops Geo’s tooth in the snow.

TOMMY- Damnit! I dropped your tooth in the snow!

They both drop down to look for it and bump heads. Tommy grimaces in pain, grabs his mouth and slowly pulls out a black wax-covered tooth with blood on it.

Geo finds his tooth in the snow and looks up to Tommy.

GEO- I found it!

TOMMY- Looks like we both have some money coming our way!

They each hold up their teeth over their heads and dance and laugh… All the way to the toothfairy’s bank!

THE END

So, barring some “adult type of language” that I wrote for Tommy and Geo, I think I’m on to something pretty magical here. I hope we all learned a valuable lesson. I know I have!

Happy 2006!