Monthly Archive for December, 2005

December 30, 2005

Published on 12/30/2005 in Dear Diarrhea. 0 Comments

Almost time for 2006! This will be my last entry of the year, better make it good! I think I will make my list of resolutions and see if I can make any predictions for the new year. That should be a fun little project and also a topic that we can all relate too!

Bobby’s list of resolutions for 2006 and probable outcome to each.

1. Get hair highlighted-

Prediction- this will happen when I book a part in a movie that requires me to have highlighted hair. Probably in the first quarter of the year.

2. Book a part in a movie that enables me to have high-lit hair-

Prediction- due to my success in the movies last year, I’m on par to be in another movie very soon and I see no reason whatsoever why that trend will not continue into the early part of 2006. Even if the part doesn’t require me to have highlighted hair, I will have my ends done anyway to celebrate my booking a part in a movie and the hair and make-up people can cut or wash it out as they please.

3. Be nicer to strangers with dogs-

Prediction- Not only will I go COMPLETELY OUT OF MY WAY to stop and chat-up strangers and their pets, I will carry around dog treats and give them to their dog by holding it between my lips and do this over and over with the animal until the stranger is giddy and excited and is no longer a stranger but is an official acquaintance. But seriously folks, to get to the prediction part- I will probably not be any nicer to strangers with dogs than I ever was in the years past. I just have to be honest with myself on that one. And by the way, I was PLENTY nice to strangers with dogs in the first place. Any more niceness would be weird and too ‘godly’ of me.

4. Do yoga at least once a week-

Prediction- I will probably do yoga full throttle a couple times a week for the first month of the year then taper off dramatically after that.
I hope that’s not the case but until I grow some discipline balls, I’ll more than likely stick to walking as my means of exercise and clear-headedness… Never know, though!

5. Don’t smoke cigarettes-

Prediction- I can honestly say that I will not have a single cigarette this year because, oh, I don’t know… I QUIT SMOKING ALMOST FOUR YEARS AGO!!!! Yay!!! Keep up the good work, Bobby!

6. Drink less alcohol-

Prediction- Since my mother is reading this I’m going to say that I will completely stop drinking ALL types of alcoholic beverages for a whole year… starting, MAYBE in the year 2008! A bold statement if you ask me because 2008 is not that far away!…But my prediction will be that I will drink a lot less and when I DO drink, I will stick with wine and rid most of the Jamesons out of my liquid diet. That’s very doable! I hope.

7. Meditate with a meditation group-

Prediction- This WILL happen, by God! It has to or I will get a homeless man to punch me in the nuts and bite my tongue in half. I know that sounds harsh but I really want to meditate my ass off this year and I want to find a real earthy and positive meditation group to do it with because I will never do it by myself. At least to start. Maybe once I get good at it I will branch off from the heavy-breathing pack of spiritual zombies and do it on my own in a public library or any other quiet place in the city. It’s going to be hard to meditate where I live now because I live with an up and coming disc jockey that is getting better and better at his craft and you know what that means? PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!!! So in short, I predict that I will get my meditation activated at the earliest tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, I will start on New Years day as I watch football with a bunch of other fellas at my local sports bar. One of the best forms of meditation I know!

8. Eat healthier-

Prediction- I have no choice. I was feeling like a shitty slug during my visit to the south and I don’t want to feel like that again. Don’t get me wrong, I love bacon double cheese burgers with everything, and ‘everything’ includes, oh, I don’t know… catsup, mustard, tomato, coleslaw, chili, onions, mayo, fat, calories, little rubbery things in the burger which I assume were at one point part of the cow, and bacon, but enough is enough! I ate the hell out of crap like this when I went home for the holidays. I didn’t eat this shit at my house (my mother is a vegetarian). I ate all of this in the little diners and hole-in-the-wall southern style restaurants that dot the beautiful landscape. Mmmmm, I can still smell the grease! So I can honestly say that this resolution will stick much like the nasty fattening food stuck to my gut over Christmas.

9. Join a gym and work out-

Prediction- I will definitely join a gym. The part about working out is a little fuzzy at the moment. I’ll put it this way. I will work out right after I get booked in that movie that I was talking about earlier. I predict that my part will be a good looking guy with highlighted hair and a chiseled body so I will go ahead and say that I will work out steadily before and after the filming is over. I will continue with this until I get booked in another movie and I have a gut feeling that the new character will be a redneck that is battling alcoholism, smoking cigarettes, weight problems and anger towards strangers with dogs. After I land this part, I will stop with the iron-pumping and dedicate myself to letting my body go and end all the other New Years resolutions that I was working so hard on up to that point.

10. Book another movie where I play a down and out southerner with alcohol, smoking, anger, and weight problems-

Prediction- it might not be this character exactly but will be pretty close. I have a feeling that I will book this near Thanksgiving 2006, just in time for me to plumpen up for the shoot. This will be my finest piece of acting work of my career and after that, I will take the rest of the year off and get back in shape and prepare myself for another set of resolutions to be dealt with for 2007.

So there you go. Ten New Years resolutions, and my predictions of what will really happen. You’re probably thinking to yourself- You made these resolutions up on the fly, didn’t you Bobby?

The answer to that question is yes but after I went back and read them, they seem like good goals and if I do half of them it will be a successful year. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Oh, I forgot a BIG resolution! Number ELEVEN- Write more and more Dear Diarrheas that are funny, insightful, charming, saddening, bland, silly, and borderline retarded when my new site launches in mid-January! … And my prediction? YES, YES, YES and YES!!!

Have a happy new year and hope that everyone that’s reading this has a super-dooper 2006 filled with lots of love, laughter and compassion!
See ya in 2006!

December 14, 2005

Published on 12/14/2005 in Dear Diarrhea. 1 Comment

Just sitting on the futon couch watching the History channel and it’s all about Leonardo Da Vinci and how he lived by his code and I felt a lot better when they said that Da Vinci had trouble finishing his work and he possibly had ADD. I like that because I have ADD as well and Da Vinci had a pretty amazingly creative mind stuck to his body- which equals me having an incredible mind stuck on MY body. The fact that I’m sitting on a futon and talking about the creative mind of Leonardo makes me feel pretty special. The futon was an amazing invention that Da Vinci probably thought of long before it actually came out on the market. That guy had a brain on him, that’s for sure.

I’m drinking a glass of wine by myself on this cold night which is very nice because it’s cozy in the apartment and the cat’s purring oh so loudly behind me on the back of the couch. She must be picking up on my relaxed energy right now. When have you ever heard a cat purr without the jump-start of a human hand? Just ask Twillow, she’s a good purrer.

I think I was too hard on myself on the last DD I wrote a few days ago. My life is wonderful and I have nothing to REALLY complain about. I love myself now… Thanks for listening… I’m going to put the computer down now, live in the moment and pet the shit out of the cat. I will continue this tomorrow…

I’m back! Had a wonderful sleep, YAY!!!

Getting my hairs sliced today at 3:30 at Dramatics of NYC and that‘s something to look forward to. I also took an eighth of an Adderall so by the time I’m locked and loaded in the chair I’ll be ready to focus on the styling task at hand. My hair guy’s name is Zap and he’s been doing my doo consistently for over a year and a half now. I highly recommend him cutting and getting his “style on” you in the near future before I blow up with fame and his prices skyrocket. Get him while the gettin’s good! (This DD is going to be chock-full of positive affirmations as opposed to my last one so I’m warning you now that I’m not being cocky, just confident.) I love how Zap cuts my hair because he uses a chopping style and the end result looks really naturally grown-out looking. Hard to explain so I’ll stop trying to explain.

I’m very pumped about the new features that are going to be on my site in the near future. Going to have an Art Gallery, the infamous BobBay auction page which I’ve been yappin’ about for the last year or so, and a TON of wonderful pictures that I take from around the city! And a cool new thing where when you click on a picture you hear an audio recording of me counting all the pixels on each photo… Probably have to buy a TON of memory for that project but I just think it’s necessary for me to count the pixels so the viewer knows EXACTLY what’s going on. We live in an information-filled society and I’m not going to be the site owner that leaves my customers out in the cold. So when you see under each picture the size of the file, YOU GET THE SIZE OF THE FILE, one pixel at a time!

I also want to be more interactive with my newly improved site. I seriously want to be the fastest to respond to a comment than any other web site out there. That’s why I came up with the Fastest Able- bodied Response Team AKA, FART to respond to your posts in lighting fast speeds. For example, let’s say that you are responding to a photo of a piece of art hanging in my art gallery- wait, let me backtrack a bit. My art gallery is a collection of friend’s and family and even MY art that is for sale to the public. The cool and unique thing about my gallery is that all the pieces are signed by me, even if I didn’t paint or sculpt them. I know, I know, this is an absolutely INSANE idea! Yeah, I hear you on that one, but I didn’t say WHERE I was going to sign the piece, okay?! So get off my back. (I should calm down and stop starting fake arguments with my readership- just isn’t positive like I stressed so much before.) All right, I won’t sign the pieces that I didn’t create, is everyone happy now?…Anyway, back to my Fastest Able-bodied Response Team (FART), this is a hand-picked squadron of computer geek/ trained psychics that work around the clock for me responding to a comment even before you finish writing it! Now that’s fast! (But when you pay top dollar for computer savvy psychics, it better damn well get to you fast!) Here’s an example of how fast FART can be. Here is a snippet of a transcript that happened in our FART test labs.

(Dec. 9th- 8:32pm)
FROM-Carla in Vermont
TO- bobby@bobbytisdale.com

“Hi Bobby! Great site! I’ve seen and heard so much about you from commercials and your small, but very successful movie career, been a HUGE fan of Dear Diarrhea for the last couple of years and now with your new and improved site design, I’m shaking in my boots just thinking about all the fun things to look at ! For example, this picture of your father’s painting- oh shoot. Excuse me, there’s someone IMing me right now…”

(Dec. 9th- 8:33pm)
FROM- bobby@bobbytisdale.com
TO- Carla in Vermont

“Hey!!! It’s Gabrashanna of Bobby’s web site! What’s up????!!!! So in response to that piece of art in Bobby’s art gallery-It’s really SUPER isn’t it!? I bet that piece would look AWESOME on your wall next to that other stuff you got hanging in your room. At least that’s what I’m sensing anyway, ha ha haaa. Or in Bobby’s case, Laugh Out Loud!!! Yayyy!!! Anyway, don’t just stand there at your computer, get your bid-on, girl!!! Place a bid on that beautiful artwork and see if you can’t outbid all those other dildo’s that think they’re richer than you. Go get em’, tiger!!!! Oh, by the way, I love what you’re wearing right now. Goes great with your eyes and stuff like that… ”

(Dec. 9th- 8:34pm)
FROM- Carla in Vermont
TO- bobby@bobbytisdale.com

“Oh my god! That was the FASTEST response to a post I’ve ever experienced in my life! I mean, I wasn’t really thinking about bidding on art or anything but for some reason I want to. I take that back, I DEFINITELY want to outbid all those other shit-heads that think they’re richer than me! I’m laughing out loud!!! Bobby, I want to put a bid of $—-! That will teach those MF’s to try to outbid me! Yay!!! …BTW, loved you in Junebug! Whoever cast that movie should put you in another one! You were FANTASTIC!”

(I withheld the amount so not to embarrass Carla or any other bidder, that’s not my style to exploit people like that)

Anyway, so you can see for yourself that my hired helpers (FART) are the best in the business. Well, I have a lot more to tell you about the site but my web designer wants to keep it hush hush for now.

I’ll keep you posted on the launch date! Bye for now!

December 9, 2005

Published on 12/9/2005 in Dear Diarrhea. 3 Comments

I’m going at this Diarrhea like I would my morning pages of yesteryear and that’s quickly and sloppily writing down all the shit on my mind and going back later and elaborating on each topic. You see, I’ve got a lot on my mind right now and during the last few weeks I’ve crashed a little in my head and now I need to get it all out. Here we go with a stream of conscious that I will not apologize for…

Have not written a diarrhea in so fucking long…Farting on television… auditioning for a movie and putting myself on tape again, which I despise like crazy but what the hell… good friend moving to la… people writing crap about me… girlfriend problems…. text messages are adding up up and up… working on doing my web-site and it’s taking my head out of the game… not booking a commercial and my hair is getting grayer and grayer just thinking about it… have to spend over 800 bucks on getting my truck fixed…it’s already snowed three times and it’s not even winter yet (that i know of) my very small room is dirty and my clothes are in need of a good washing… my skin feels dry… I have to take yoga classes now… I am shouting out nonsense into the night air more and more and looks like there’s no end in sight…

Now time to go back and look at what’s going on in my mind. Wow, look at all that stress! See if we can’t talk it out a bit more.

1. “Have not written a diarrhea in so fucking long”-

Well it’s quite obvious that I haven’t written in my journal in a long time and that is due to a myriad of reasons. First of all, I probably started writing about ten Diarrheas the last few weeks but all of them just ended up bugging me and I just stopped and I ended up giving them to my trash can to digest. Really, there is no reason for not writing every day. Or better yet, release what I write to the public every day. I guess I look at all these bloggers out there and I don’t want to write about a bowl of grapes that I ate that day and have a million people comment on how they ate a bowl of grapes and how cool that was and back and forth shit like that. Just too much chatter about complete nonsense. (Not all blogs of course, there are a shit-pot of good ones that are funny and insightful… You know who you are!!!) I type too slowly, too, that is a big concern of mine. Love to have one of those voice activated typing things, need to look into that. NO, I take that back, I just need to learn how to type faster…
I’m mad at myself right now.

2. “Farting on Television”-

I was on the Comedians of Comedy for one show and I farted and talked about it and now I’ve had a ton of people come up to me and say, “I saw you fart on TV the other night”. They really didn’t say it was cool or gross or anything except that they “saw” me fart on TV. I think they “heard” me fart on television or something that “looked” like the act of farting on tv. With today’s technology, you can “look” like you are leaning to the side and farting for the camera and then in post they add the fart noise. So no one really can actually prove that I indeed farted on TV or not. Sure seemed like it though. I don’t care anymore. Life is too fucking short, fart ‘em if you got ‘em, that’s my new motto.

3. “auditioning for a movie and putting myself on tape again, which I despise like crazy but what the hell”-

I have a really big audition and I have to put myself on tape again and I’m nervous because it’s now getting to the point in my career that I have to be a good auditioner if I am to keep living the life that I’m living. (Which is not having a day job and having all the time in the world to fart around and write and take pictures and walk stranger’s dogs for the hell of it) I hate looking at myself on camera sometimes, especially when I know how important the tape of me is in the decision making process. I want to be in movies more than ever and now I’m getting some opportunities to do so and I don’t want to screw it up. Screw it up much like I did my Aspen audition the other day… Ended up doing NONE of my material and just went into the audience and gave high fivers to the tourists. I think I told one joke and they didn’t get it and after that, the true Bobby T came out and I went a little nuts and turned to my retarded crowd-work, which is funny but not the kind of funny that a ton of snobby white rich Aspen vacationers would appreciate. Anyway, doesn’t everyone out there want me to be a movie star like I want to be a movie star? I love the large screen!

4. “good friend moving to LA”-

One of my best friends is moving to Los Angeles and that is sad.
People getting good jobs right and left. Hope that happens to me soon.

5. “people writing crap about me… girlfriend problems…. text messages are adding up up and up”-

I hate reading reviews about me that aren’t positive. They need to hang out with me for a little one on one at the farmers market before they mouth off at the computer about me. You wait and see how fun I can be picking out butternut squash and then write about that. Not like there’s a ton of negative crap written about me, just a little and I read it again and it made me depressed. Actually, I’m over it now! Just needed to write it down and now I feel a TON better. Note to self, don’t read anything that is negative about you, ESPECIALLY when you’ve already READ IT BEFORE!!!

My girlfriend and I had a few fights about butternut squash and it put a dent in our cooking relation. We have patched things up for the most part but I still say, take the skin OFF BITCH!!! Kidding, I would NEVER call my girlfriend that to her face, only behind her and an inch away from her hair.

Gotta stop with the text messaging. Almost got hit by a car TWICE trying to write, “Meet me @ F-mkt for B-Nut sqsh. luv ya!” Soooo addictive!

6. “working on doing my web-site and it’s taking my head out of the game”-

My brother in law and my sister are going to hate me when I get my new friend Greg to do my web-site for me. I take that back, they will LOVE me now that they don’t have to update stuff for me once a year like I ask them to do. No, seriously, I have a good guy that wants to do my web site for me and he and I have a lot of good ideas that we want to implement that are time consuming and my sis and bro don’t have that kind of energy to donate for me. I love the hell out of my site now and how simple and easy it is to use and plus my Dear Diarrhea setup is really a nice touch, all the doing of my bro-in-law John and my sister Suzanne way back in North Cakalaka. YAY to them and a big thanks!!!! But like they say in the business, change is necessary! I just made that up but I’m sure it is true in most cases. Anyway, just want to add a few cool things that are interactive and stuff that will lead you to my site even more than ever. I’ll keep you updated.

7. “not booking a commercial and my hair is getting grayer and grayer just thinking about it… have to spend over 800 bucks on getting my truck fixed”-

Need to book another commercial. Came really close on a few but I’m sure I sabotaged them for some reason. Seems to be the trend lately.
My hair is still beautiful and red but now that I’m in my thirties the gray is popping it’s head out more that ever. I will be asking volunteers to dye my hair on stage pretty soon. Just a cute rinse please, nothing permanent this time around.

800 bucks to fix a bunch of crap on my 1996 F-150 pickup truck! Yay!!! I TOTALLY have extra money for that stuff! Need to get my speed hay riding business up and running soon to pay the truck off. Tell you more about the speed hay riding excursions under the “Fun ‘n Games”
section on my new website coming soon.

8. “it’s already snowed three times and it’s not even winter yet (that I know of) my very small room is dirty and my clothes are in need of a good washing… my skin feels dry… I have to take yoga classes now… I am shouting out nonsense into the night air more and more and looks like there’s no end in sight…

The answer to these statements are all pretty straight forward and boring to tell the truth. Snow is nice for the most part, all I need to do for my skin is drink more water and use a moisturizing cream and the yoga will help in that department too. As for me shouting out nonsense into the night air? Well that’s just a part of me that I need to embrace and love and not worry about anymore. And for all of the people writing about my silliness, you should hang out with me in my apartment after a delicious meal of clam salad and butternut squash and listen to me scream out super cool nonsense like, “Party!”, “Barbara and the bartenders”, “Eat it!” and “I can’t believe I farted on TELEVISION!!!”

Anyway, this is a diarrhea that was much more important for me to write than for you to read. Not my best one for a long shot but maybe the best one in terms of getting my head cleared before the new year with promises of happier and funnier Dear Diarrheas to come in the days ahead. Thanks for “listening” to me, I love everyone that reads these things. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!