There was a distant shouting match a couple hundred yards on the seventh green side bunker. Sounded like someone made a bogie or something and didn’t like the way his score was larger than his partner’s. All Teddy Fripplister could do was wait and listen before he could tee off. Which teed him off more than he was in the first place. Teddy was having a hell of a hard time getting the sticky watermelon off his arms and legs and this argument needed to end soon before he pulled out his 2 iron and launch a worm burning missile to clear things up.
Paul Veeps, Teddy’s partner, had pulled off the golf prank of the year.
Right in the middle of Teddy’s back swing, Paul secretly replaced his golf ball with a baby watermelon, and I’m not talking about an immature watermelon with a green and tasteless center. No, I’m talking about the ripe and delicious type of miniature watermelons that are popular with parents because they are much easier for children to handle. And in Paul’s case – easier to hide in a golf bag.
Teddy was really upset at this point. Three out of the six holes they played started or ended with a prank at the hands of Paul Veeps, and with eleven more to play, he had little patience for a time consuming disagreement ahead of them.
“Pickup and get off the green!!… Come on now!!! “Ted’s yelling voice was good and broken in, especially after the old squirrel in the pants trick on the third hole.
“Get out of the way!!”
“Calm down Teddy. They are just having an incredibly loud argument at the moment. Probably need to hash things out so they can continue to play without all of the stress built up inside them.” Paul’s little speech didn’t seem to help matters at all.
“What in the hell are you talking about? Is this leading to another prank or gag? Are you in cahoots with those guys or something?”
“No, I just think that things happen for a reason and if people just went with the flow and stopped forcing things to happen, we would be a much happier society. Maybe there is a reason that we have to wait…. I can think of one right now, oh I don’t know, maybe you can use the extra time to dab up a certain sticky substance that is matting down your leg hair?”
Teddy nearly flinched out of his golf shoes as Paul threw him a box of wet-wipes from behind his back.
“Jesus! That scared the shot out of me! You sure these are just wet-wipes and not some kind of acid wipes or something?”
“No. Those are just good old fashioned wet dabbing prank removers. They also might get that motor oil out of your shirt from the first hole.”
“I thought you said it was slow onset disappearing ink?” Teddy was trying unsuccessfully to remove a quarter sized oil stain from his collar. “This shit isn’t coming out, man! Look at my shirt!!”
“No, that was a joke. There is no such thing as slow onset disappearing ink that I know of. Get it? Funny, huh? Listen, here is the deal. You are three under par after three pranks so I wouldn’t be complaining about a little acid or about some oil stains. I mean, you have a terrible golf swing. You should be thanking me… What did you get on the first hole?”
Teddy knew he was right. He was a terrible golfer who had never had a birdie in his life. “A birdie… But dude! Exploding golf balls filled with old motor oil?! I mean, come on!”
Paul snaps right back. “What did you get on the second hole!?”
“A double bogie”
“Exactly. And.. oh, I don’t know, what did you happen to make on the next hole? When I pulled out mister hungry squirrel? Huh? See if we can’t find a little pattern here.”
“Okay, okay. I see your point. It is just shear luck that’s all. And how in the hell did you capture a squirrel like that?”
“Never tell. A master prankster never reveals his secretes. Unless, of course, one of my pranks is carrying rabies, which was not the case here.”
This is how Paul pulled off the trick if you are interested. Before the round of golf, Paul set out a live trap in the woods off the third hole, about two hundred yards away from the tee box, which is about where he normally slices his ball into the woods. The art of this trick is to bait the trap with bubble gum wrapped around a roasted almond. The squirrel can’t resist the smell of the almond and is forced to chew off the bubble gum to get to the nut. Once they start on the gum, that’s all they concentrate on. Finish the gum to get to that smelly nut. According to Paul’s calculations, the average adult squirrel will chew a piece of gum for upwards to three and a half hours before they realize it isn’t going anywhere, plenty of time to reach any of the first nine holes on even the busiest days on the course. Once you have a gum chewing squirrel at your disposal, let the games begin. In this case, when Teddy was getting ready to hit his approach shot to the green, Paul put the roasted almond in Teddy’s back pocket and released the beast. The rest is history.
“Do you see the irony here, Teddy? All this talk about a couple of people holding up our round of golf with a silly argument and look what we are doing now. Ha Ha haaa. Ain’t life funny?”
When they finally teed off on the next hole, Teddy shanked his drive about a hundred yards into the woods. His next shot was even worse, hitting a tree and bouncing another twenty yards further into the jungle. Paul noticed he was up the creek and decided to rub it in a little bit.
“Hey Teddy, looks like you’d be a good lumberjack if the golf doesn’t work out for ya. Wait a second, look over there! It’s a deer wearing a poncho!”
When Teddy looked around, Paul replaced the club he had in his hand with a rolled up poster of Jack Nicholas posing with his green jacket after winning the 1886 masters.
“I didn’t see any deer wearing a poncho. Oh well, better focus on getting out of the woods here… Why is my club so light- Wait a second! This is a rolled up poster not my three iron!”
“Gotcha Teddy! I switched it when you were looking for the “deer”! Ha ha ha haaa! Here is your three iron. Ha ha haaa!”
“Damnit PAUL!”
Then, like a miracle from up above, Teddy hit his shot through all of the woods and it rolled onto the green, about three feet from the hole. Teddy just looked at Paul in disbelief at what just happened. Paul winked at Teddy and walked toward the green.
“Looks like someone is about to save par. Hummmm, I wonder why?”
Something special was in the works from that hole on. Teddy was an incredible nine under par going into the eighteenth hole. If he birdies the last hole, he would break the club record for the lowest score on the back nine. They both knew that the eighteenth tee shot was huge. After ten straight pranks, everything came down to the last hole.
Teddy looked like he signed up for rodeo clown classes. He was covered in mud, Jell-O, silly string, eggs, tar, macaroni and cheese and blood from the last three pranks dealing with throwing stars, but the look on his face was filled with determination. One more hole!
“Paul, I have to tell you something. When we were first introduced in the locker room this morning and you popped me with that wet towel as I tried to pick up the dollar you glued to the floor, I hated every inch of you. And the thought that I was going to be paired up with you for a round of golf made me hate you even more. I mean after you pranked a complete stranger on the very first hole? That… well, that was just very strange to me… But now, I can’t tell you how lucky it has been for me to be around you today. I mean, aside from the cuts and bruises… All this other stuff will wash right off. And I’m about to break the course record!!! I can’t believe how lucky you have made me!!!”
“Well, like I said on number seven, things happen for a reason. If you just go with the flow- let the eggs and motor oil and stuff like that fall where it may, good things will happen. I am equally blessed to have you around to pull all of these fast ones on today. I’ve never seen suck luck, and I have a huge surprise for you on this last hole…”
“What is it? What could it be? A snake or something that will bite me? I’ve just gotta know!”
“How about hitting your tee shot first and we’ll see what happens.”
Teddy smiled and set up to his ball. He was very eager to see what kind of shenanigan would take place on his back swing…. Nothing. Teddy hit the ball perfectly down the middle of the fairway.
“I guess a little surprise might happen on the next shot. You never know, the way things have been going lately.”
Paul didn’t respond. He was too busy digging through his bag.
“Did you hear me Paul? I guess a little surprise might happen on the next shot… right?”
They go straight to Teddy’s ball. Teddy stands over it and takes a few wild practice swings, digging up chunks of grass in the process. Teddy knows that a prank is coming. He squints his eyes as he takes the club back, anticipating something like a burrito or a knife to come slinging his way… Nothing. He hit the ball perfectly on the green, about ten feet from the pin.
Teddy was frustrated. “What happened to the surprise? This is the last hole, Paul! What the hell?”
“Are you ready for your final surprise?” Paul said with a very serious look on his face.
“Hello? YES. I have one last shot for the record. Please let it happen any time now.”
“Well, the surprise is that I don’t have any pranks left. I used them all up on the sixteenth hole. I was lucky enough to find that rape whistle at the bottom of my bag on the seventeen hole. I’m all out buddy. I don’t know what else to tell you.”
“What the hell am I going to do?! I have a ten foot putt for birdie! I’ll never do it, Paul! What am I gonna do? SHIT!”
“Get a hold of yourself, Teddy! You hit two perfect shots just anticipating that I was gonna pull out another prank on you. Just go with the flow and think on this last putt that I will do the same. Mind over matter. You can do it!”
The two are standing beside Teddy’s ball on the green. It was a very tough putt with a lighting fast down hill break to the left by about four feet. Even a pro would have a difficult time with this putt. Teddy was shaking violently as he hovered over the putt with catsup mixed with sweat dripping all over the ball.
“You can do it Teddy. Remember the squirrel Teddy. Remember the broken bottle Teddy. You can do it…. For the course record! Come on and sink it my new friend!”
Teddy slowly pulled his putter back and tapped the ball towards the hole. It slowly rolled and rolled down the slope, gaining speed every inch of the way. It was dead on line with the hole but it would all come down to the speed of that runaway ball.
“It’s looking good!! IT LOOKS GOOD TEDDY!”
Just about a foot from the hole, with Teddy and Paul screaming for victory, Paul kicked Teddy as hard as he could in his nuts, sending him to the ground and knocking him out from the pain. The ball did just what Paul had predicted, it ran right over the hole and rolled about twenty feet off the green and into the heavy ruff.
Paul ran and got the ball and just as Teddy slowly came too, Paul put his ball in the cup, jumped up and down with his hands in the air.
“You did it!! YOU DID IT!!! You broke the course record!!”
Teddy had just enough energy to smile then he passed out again.
A few days later after the surgery to repair his genitals, Paul walked into the recovery room and brought him lunch.
Teddy was playing a golf video game and looked to be in good spirits, especially with his new friend over for a visit.
“Will you ever tell me what that last prank was? I can’t remember anything after the fifteenth hole. You have to tell me.”
“It will always be a secret. Maybe one day I’ll tell you but first you need to eat some of this meat loaf sandwich that I made for you. Put the game on pause and eat some lunch.”
Teddy puts his game on pause, freeze framing his little computer golfer in the middle of his back swing. Teddy takes the meat loaf sandwich and takes a large bite.
“What in the hell is this!” he says with a laugh. “I knew it was a shit sandwich! I knew it!! You little bastard!!
Paul was a little sad. “It’s not a shit sandwich! It’s my home made meat loaf that I made last night. I thought you would like it?”
Just as he said that, the golf game started back up again and the computer golfer finish his swing- sailing the ball into a water hazard.
Teddy put the sandwich down. “Oh, I guess you’re right”