Monthly Archive for July, 2004

Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday are the days I cruise the farmers market in Union Square looking for some fresh meat and produce to seduce and pick up for a shady ride back to my apartment in the back of my backpack. It starts with a me walking by early in the morning and pricing all the fruits and vegetables, making a mental note as to what the best prices are before moving in on my prey right at the end of the day. I do this because I have had a few organic tragedies occur in the back of my backpack due to me gathering my prey too early in the day and forgetting that they get beaten to hell against such items as my lap top, books and not to mention the sharp daggers of my pens and pencils poking the snot out of them. No, the best time to hunt and gather is right at closing time.

I do know that’s the best way to ripen a banana. I can’t believe how fast a green banana can turn yellow, then jet black when you leave it in your backpack for a few hours.

There are two middle-aged Middle Eastern men selling bubble guns across the street from me. Bubble guns not bubble gum. For the longest time I was wondering where all those bubbles were coming from and then I looked over at a table of multicolored battery operated bubble guns and a couple guys pointing them over their heads, firing off thousands of rounds of harmless bubbles into the air. Ohhhh, but are they harmless or are they filled with terror? Something to think about. What a great way to set off bio hazards into the crowded New York City air with these bubble guns. We don’t know what are in those bottles of suds… People are buying the hell out of them for their kids… Little do they know that they are spreading millions of contaminated bubbles that could wipe out the greater five boroughs of New York…

I’m on edge… I have to admit that I am constantly thinking of the possibilities of another terror attack… OKAY!! I’m not kidding, there is a postal worker guy in his late fifties buying a bubble gun! Okay…. Now it is making sense to me. Go to work, fill your “bubble solution” with nerve gas and wipe out all the blue demons that have made you mad for all these years. “Hey look. It’s Chuck bringing out his sensitive side with that cute little bubble maker. And I always thought he was on the verge of killing his grandchildren- Oh! I can’t breathe… Something is messing… with my nerves all of a sudden…”

My mind is racing right now. I feel like I should question these guys and ask if they are terrorizing the world as we speak. Just go up to them and say, “Hey I noticed that you guys are Middle Eastern looking and I was just wondering if you have biological weapons in those bottles that are marked ‘bubbles’?” And then when they get horribly offend, which they should if I racially profiled them that way, I would just pat them on the back and say that I was just joking and buy ten of their guns as a token of brotherhood. “Excuse me sir, could you turn to the side so I can see your racial profile?… Thank you. You can carry on with shooting bubbles into the air”

People are really gathering around that table now, pulling out cash from everywhere. What a great idea for a movie that would be. I need to write that idea down before someone steals it from me… You know, the idea of making a movie about a group of terrorists that destroy the world with toxic bubble guns. Yeah, that idea! I will definitely write that idea down and hide it away so no one can read it and steal it away from me, making millions from M. Night Shamilamalamadingdong, the director of “The Sixth Sense” after he directs it for his next blockbuster.

But on a serious note, it is a pretty clever way to advertise by literally making it impossible to avoid your bubbly product. I’ve noticed that the majority of the reactions from passerbyer’s is just plain old annoyance. They wave the bubbles from their face as if to say, “Friggin bubbles!… Get that shit out of my face!!” Only the parents with small children or repressed postal workers are able to let the bubbles pop where they may and tolerate thousands of attacking suds.

You could actually use that as a self defense mechanism. If someone bothers you or harasses you on the street, a bubble gun to the face is just annoying enough to drive the attacker away… OR, going back to my original top secrete idea of adding toxic poison to the solution, just add hot pepper sauce to the bubbles and you are home free… I’m going to go over there now and see how much one of those guns will set me back… be right back!

Where in the hell is my digital camera! I wish you could’ve seen the guy talking to me. First of all, the guns are really elephants with the bubbles oozing out of their trunks and second of all, they are only five dollars. Batteries included in the package!!! The whole time I was talking to the guy he had the elephant gun pointing about a foot from my face with hundreds of bubbles hitting me everywhere. It was a bit annoying to say the least but he had this little grin on his face that made it charming… kinda. I still had that WMD thought in the back of my head…

He just couldn’t put the gun down for one minute to chat with me. I asked him if he was coming back to this location again and like a typical bubble making salesman he tells me no and he will run out of the guns in the next hour or so. Oh shit! I better stop everything that I’m doing right now and run to the bank and get back just in time to buy one of his last bubble guns before he runs out in an hour!!!… I wanted to tell him that for the last hour, he sold about ten guns at the most and that if he sold out of the guns in an hour, I would give him a couple hundred dollars. (That’s about all I could suck off my credit card)

“Only five dollars… You can’t beat that price.”… You’re right. Out of all of my elephant bubble gun searches I’ve made over the years I’ve never found a price lower than five dollars. “Sure I can beat that price. Four dollars”… He had nothing to do with me after that, turning his gun towards another possible customer… I asked him how long he was gonna be at this location and he told me till 6:30. I need to get a hold of a digital camera ASAPossble!

The last thing he shouted to me as I ran back to my stuff here in the coffee shop was, “I’m on Canal on Saturday and Sunday!”… So there you have it!

Hopefully I can capture this guy later today or if not, I will get a shot of these guys over the weekend…. Oh well, we can only wait and see what will happen next!!!

The New York Red Ants vs The New York City Fire Ants

Michael Showalter had to go, he became very tired… During this game, which was the best out of seven, we ended on a three game to three game tie. This means in the next few days or so, we have to meet for a decisive game seven… AGAIN!!! It was great fun and even better competition… I will keep everybody posted. PLUS, look for one of my hand crafted New York Red Ant ties to be on the auction block soon.

This is a true story. I feel like sometimes I have to say that so some people, like my mother, will not get a fake short story confused with the real thing. So, what I’m about to write is a fantastic true story that is about to take place tonight!

Last week, Thursday to be exact, I invited myself to play Bocce Ball with my pal Matthew Ballard. It was one of those lazy, post-”Invite Them Up” days where I struggle to match the energy that was expended the night before. Most Thursdays I wake up around six or so in the morning after going to bed around four… I have difficulty sleeping after a big show. My mind is racing all night and I decided long ago to make Thursdays my lazy Sunday, filled with foggy thoughts and sleep-deprived laughter fits that I try to find along the way.

That Thursday started off with an egg sandwich around nine in the morning followed by a trip to Starbucks to get a sweetened black tea and exercise my talented fingers on my laptop to write a dear diarrhea, much like I am doing now. Anyway, just a foggy Thursday until my friend Matt called. He was in the neighborhood meeting Joe and his new girlfriend at Circuit City to look for headphones. Ya see, Joe was going to LA that night and wanted good headphones to hook up to his DVD player on the plane ride up there…

“I’m there in five!”

I looked down at my computer screen and glanced at what I had written in the last hour. Tell ya what, let me just go to my pile of started diarrheas and show you exactly what I wrote that day… I’ll get it now…

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Dear Diarrhea 07-08-04

When a baby smiles at you it is the best feeling in the world. “You had me at “No hablo Espanish.”, that’s what the little Spanish girl on the train must’ve been saying to herself as we smiled at each other for a solid 20 seconds. That is a long time to smile at someone and the only way that can happen without looking stupid or psycho is if it is a baby, or a very old person that can’t see that well. It sucks when a baby speaks more Spanish than I do…. The little girl said something to me in Spanish that made her and her parents smile and laugh. It not only made me feel stupid that a two year old knew more Spanish than I did, but she was getting laughs at my expense… All I could do was smile another 20 seconds or so and say, “Awe, she’s so cute. Look at all those little teeth!”… I hate Spanish kids now…

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As you can see, I wasn’t exactly writing the next Holy Bible or anything, so you can see why I jumped at the opportunity to procrastinate and watch my friend watch our friend look at headphones at the City… Circuit City that is. So, three-and-a-half minutes later I find myself in a group hug on the second floor of the City, smiling and laughing with my friends knowing that an adventure was to come my way any minute now.

After Joe made his purchase I had a choice of things to do. Either walk with Joe and his friend Beth to see a movie or take the train up to the upper west side to watch a DVD with Matt. I chose to walk with Joe and Beth and said my goodbyes to Matt, wishing him the best of luck on his trip to the west side.

So off the three of us go. It was pushing 2:30 so if we were to get to the movie in time we had to book it. (What Joe and Beth didn’t know was that I was gonna back out of seeing the movie right before I was to purchase a ticket. I told the gang at the City that I wanted to see a movie with them, but in actuality, I just wanted to hang out and walk for a few minutes. Now it makes sense why I turned down Matt and his bid for me to see a rental movie at his house. Looking back at it, I guess I wanted a little bidding war for my friendship services that day. Felt good for my ego after it was stroked profusely the night before by a packed audience at my show. I wanted attention and I found it in Joe and Beth… One day I will title a chapter in my book after them called, “Chapter so-in-so, The Joe and Beth walk to remember”)

So anyway, the 12 block walk was filled with laughing and silliness, not to mention some hard knock questions directed toward me that I was expecting on the way. Stuff like, “So what kind of stuff are you working on?” and “How was the show last night?” I answered both questions the way I always do, “The show was really fun. I don’t have a job and after Wednesday night, I have nothing else to do until the next Wednesday. Besides that, I’m very busy.”

Anyway, after the three of us found out that the movie we all desperately wanted to see wasn’t playing at the theater, we settled on eating a late lunch. That was fun and after our veggie dogs it was sad to see them go.

They asked me what else I was going to do that day and I told them I was going to take a nap in Central Park. That was the first thing that came to mind and a much needed nap was in the works, plus I would be closer to Matt’s house if I needed to use his restroom for the Jazz Fest that was brewing in my stomach.

I made it to the park and went straight to a patch of grass in Sheep’s Meadow, a large pasture in the park where hundreds of people lay out to catch some rays… Sun rays that is…

I woke up an hour-and-a-half later, refreshed and eager to engage in some friendship, upper west style. I get on the horn with Matt and you would not believe my luck. I was two blocks away from his house and he tells me he was on his way down town to play Bocce Ball and asked me if I wanted to tag along. ” Um… Hello! How does 60 seconds sound to you..”

We met a minute later and took the train to Washington Square Park to meet up with Randy and Michael Showalter. The playing field wasn’t up to par there so we took our game to west side pier number 46, a new pier on the Hudson river with a smooth Astroturf field waiting for our bocce balls and asses to get there.

Both Michael and I had never played the game before, so we were paired with the pro rollers- me with Randy, Michael with Matt. Matt and Michael declared that their team was called the “New York City Fire Ants”. I matched that name and called our squadron the “New York Red Ants”. If you haven’t played the game before it is a shame. Fun as hell!

All you do is throw a small ball out a few yards and try to get your other balls closer to the target ball. The team with the closest ball to the target ball wins a point. You can get a point for every ball closer to the target ball. The first one to 11 wins the game. We played a best of seven game series and it was one of the best sporting situations I’ve ever been involved with in my life. To make a long story short, it came down to the last ball in the seventh game to win the series. My last throw got the Red Ants closest to the target ball… It was tied at ten apiece, everyone’s eyes are on Michael… He had one chance to win the game…. He did it, he knocked my ball away and landed his closer to win the series!!!!…

We all exploded and ran around the field like children with their heads cut off!!! It capped off one of best days of my life. We were hooked on Bocce! Even though our team lost it was the best competition I have ever encountered… So this brings me to the point of the story that happens tonight. We are meeting for a rematch at 8:30 tonight and the best part is that each team has to wear uniforms.

I heard that the “New York City Fire Ants” already have t-shirts made with their logo and everything. What I have to do is make our uniforms. I don’t want to give it away because it’s to be a surprise but I will tell you this… We will be wearing ties and tape measures on our waist. I will leave it at that and after tonight, I will post pictures of both uniforms on my web-site as soon as possible….

I have to go know and hit K-Mart for some fabric paint!!! I’ll let you know what happens later this week!!!

GO RED ANTS!!!

I had an audition today for one of those commercials where they piece together five to ten people saying different statements. Kinda like a United Benneton commercial. They had a list of about a hundred sentences to choose from and you were told to memorize four to five of them. For example, “I want a bank with free checking!”…”I want an ATM closer to my office!”…”I want friendly and fast service.”… Stuff like that. I love these commercials because they want REAL people. It was written on top of the list to be “real” and “have fun with it!”, which to me equals- make up your own lines. So on my sheet of paper, I took the first half of their sentence and added a better ending. I only needed four, so I decided that my first one would be verbatim, keep it “real” for the writer’s sake.

So I go in and slate my name, show them my profiles so they can get a better look at my imposing nose from every possible camera angle, then it was time to blow this casting lady a new and improved asshole, better than her original one.

CASTING LADY: So, don’t look at the paper. Let me take that and do four or five from the list. Have fun and rant if you want to.

ME: (Trying to remember what I wrote down) Sure… Just have fun with it.

Then I remembered my first one, which was very easy and a good starting point.

ME CONT- : I want a bank that has free checking! Absolutely free! F-R-E-E!

She liked my energy, she was smiling.

ME: I want a bank that doesn’t charge me two dollars for getting money from another ATM!

Good one. I added the two dollars… Nice touch. She’s enjoying my improv.
Time to amp it up a little and do what I like to call, “Shock and remember”, which is to keep it really real, with curse words and lines that I would actually say if I were to keep it “real” in real life.

ME CONT- I want an ATM that says “I love you” if you have more money than you thought you had and “Hatin’ it!” if you don’t have enough funds in your account!!!

Sold! She was laughing and loving me. One more for good measure!

ME: I want a teller that is quick and efficient! And one that won’t call me an asshole or faggot!

Tears! I won this audition. She was in tears I tell you. Sometimes it backfires and the casting people just sit there and don’t say a thing. Not this time. I kept going even as she was turning off the camera.

ME: I want a bank that allows me to wear a ski mask and carry a gun as I make a deposit!!!

Too bad that one didn’t make the tape, the folks making the decisions would’ve loved it. Now it’s just wait and see.

That put me in a good mood and I was repeating my funnies in my head as I walked to the subway. DAMNIT! You know what I just thought? I left that sheet of paper at the agency. I wanted to keep it and throw it away so nobody could get any ideas from me! Damn it! Someone is reading it right now saying to themselves… “Hummm. That just gave me an idea… I think I’ll do the same thing that this cleaver guy did and switch the words to be funny…” Then again, I don’t think anyone is gonna say, “When I make a deposit at an ATM, I want the machine to say, ‘Put that money all up inside me!’…” I’m fine now…