A Dear Diarrhea that the whole family should read….
“The Beautiful Bird”
A short story by Bobby T
…..There once was a beautiful song bird sitting in a laboratory waiting for a scientist to install his new voice box. The scientist was waiting for the tar and nicotine results to come back before he could do the procedure.
This made the little bird very impatient. For he was tired of smoking and chewing all of that tobacco, it was time to regain his voice so he could sing to his new cousin that hatched the day before. “Two more minutes, little Carl!”, said the scientist as he chipped a piece of bird feces off his lab coat. Carl was the sweetest little fella the scientist has ever worked with. The scientist had no doubt that little carl would sing again.
Especially during the rough first two weeks of chain smoking and tobacco gargling, you could hear the scientist giving Carl words of encouragment…”Smoke them if you have them, Carl!…Chew it all up! Chew it for science, Carl!”.
So here the two of them sat in that cold laboratory, only minutes away from the corrective surgery that will add some electric spunk to the little song bird¹s tattered singing voice…”Hey Carl! You awake over there? Let me hear you sing a cute little song if you’re awake!” ….Carl was awake. Wide awake. He hasn’t been able to sing for a solid month now because of the f’ing asshole in white. Why bother straining his voice for the sake of science. Not again. Not for the man in white. “But what if he makes me smoke another cigarette!?”, Carl says to himself as the scientist violently packs a pack of cigarettes with the palm of his hand. “Come on over here and try to sing daddy a pretty little song!”. Just do what he says, Carl thought to himself. Just fly over there, perch on his shoulder and belt out a tune for science one last time.
And that is what Carl did. He sat on the scientist’s shoulder like he has done time and time again. “One second Carl. Let me just get the recorder ready… all right! Let’s hear it, Carl!” So Carl flapped his wings to loosen up. Any and every chance he had to shit on his shoulder he surely took advantage of, it was the only legitimate way of getting the scientist back for screwing up his singing voice. “Wow! That was big one Carl. You always seem to do this on me and not in your cute little sterile cage that I house you in.” And it was a doozy. Right smack down his neck this one ended up. “This is it Carl. The last attempt at a song before I slice open that voice box of yours and put in this new Electro-Vox 2000! Forget the tracheotomy! Hello E-V 2000!”
And so this was it. The last time Carl would be able to sing with his natural, yet damaged, singing voice. “Do it for your cousin”, Carl says to himself. “Pretend that the man in white is just your cousin, sitting all pretty in Aunt Lillie’s nest looking at you with those cute beady eyes…
You can do it! Savior the moment!”… Carl clears his throat one last time… “Khuh..khuh-kuh! Haaach!”… Carl was really choking on something big here. The scientist excitedly logged data as Carl hacked and hacked, trying to sing for the last time with his natural voice. “Having a little trouble singing, Carl?… Need a little Electro-Vox to brighten up your day?”. The scientist knew it was time as he unwrapped the electronic voice box out if it’s sterile package. “Once Dr. Keeplerps brings in the T&N results, we are golden my feathered friend.”
“Haach…khuuuh…haaach!”. The scientist was beaming from ear to ear as the little song bird tried his darndest to hock up a ball of phlegm. Then there was a knock on the door. It was Dr. Keeplerps with the data. Carl’s eye lit up as he entered the room. It was now or never! And in one loud and nasty cough from his little fluid filled lungs, about 250 cigarettes and 10 packs of chewing tobacco came screaming out of Carl’s body, hitting both the scientist and Dr. Keeplerps in the face. Off he flew through the open door and out to freedom! Stopping only to take one last crap on the scientist’s car window as a little reminder of all the fun he had in captivity….
The flight to his cousin’s nest took every ounce of energy to get him there. Now it was time to sing a little song to the newest member of the family. Aunt Lillie was so excited to hear his voice again. It had been a long time coming. Carl took a deep breath and flapped his singing wings together for a song to remember. His little cousin precariously perched his head on his mamma’s lap, waiting for his uncle to sing him a song.
“Are you ready little guy?” Carl’s voice sounding like a fifty year old smoker, cool and raspy but at the same time a little disgusting. “I would like to sing you the same song that my uncle sang to me when I was your age…. A little something like this, … Birds birds birds. Singing and chirping, chirping and singing. Birds birds birds. Happy and silly, silly and happy…. Birds birds birds… Watch them fly… Watch them build nests… Watch them eat birdie bird food on the ground… Birdie bird birds… Eat them when you are hungry… Turkey bird birds are high in protein… Chicken birdie bird birds are good to fry-”
The little cousin bird was clueless to Carl’s lyrical disaster. Momma Lillie was in shock listening to his song with that nasty voice. This is when Carl even shocked himself. He pulled out a cigarette from under a secrete feather hiding place and says to his Aunt, “Got a light?” Carl was losing it. “Do you have a light, woman!!!”. She shook her beak in disgust. “Fine! I’ll just eat it then!” Then Carl ate the cigarette and took his cousin by the mouth and regurgitated it down his throat. Carl then looked at his cousin in the eye and yelled, “You are a faggot!” Aunt Lillie was all up in arms at that moment, flapping her wings in Carl’s face and shouting, “Get out of my nest you nasty bird! Where did you learn that language! What happened to you!” Carl took that as a sign to be getting on his way.
And that is what he did. He got the hell out of there… He felt really bad about what he did and a week later apologized to his aunt and cousin, saying that his cousin looked like a pasty cigarette and he didn’t know what came over him. Momma Lillie asked Carl why he called her son a faggot and Carl said, “I thought I just told you that I thought your son looked like a pasty cigarette….” Anyway, all was forgiven and before Carl left he sang his cousin a beautiful song. This time with a clearer voice and a much better attitude.