Monthly Archive for April, 2004

“How sweet it is to be loved by you”. I can’t get that song out of my head… “I just wanna stop… and thank you baby, ohhhh I just wanna STOP… And thank you baby… do diddi do diddi do diddi do… How sweet it is to be loved by you”… It’s going on an hour and a half of this shit and I want to thank Commerce bank for the greatest of hits… Weird thing happened five minutes before I went to my favorite bank of all time. I went to the ATM, got some cash like a good boy should, and right when what’s-his-face got stuck in my head, I try to go inside the bank to talk to a teller about maybe getting a few Commerce bank pens for my writing needs, when this cop puts his hands on my chest, blocking my momentum. “The bank is temporarily closed”, said the 5’6″ cop from Mexico. The Mexico thing might be wrong but I know for a fact that he stood exactly five foot six inches from boot to the highest hair on his head. I’m into sizing people up now a days so I purchased a laser measuring device that can measure anything from a tree a mile away to an ant standing on its tippie toes. Anyway, after I sized this copper up real good I asked him what was the problem in the bank? “There was a robbery a few minutes ago”. Shit! I just missed being a part of a real New York City bank heist not five minutes ago! Wow, how interesting would that have been? For the last hour or so I have been fantasizing about what I would’ve done if I were in the bank when the shit hit the fans. My first thought was throwing an ink grenade at him just as he picked up the loot and that the ink would’ve temporarily blinded him just long enough for me to spray him with pepper spray filled with ink all over his face to temporarily blind him long enough for me to put a blind fold on him just long enough to blind him so I could clap my hands on his ears so he would go temporarily deaf so he couldn’t hear me yell out to someone to dial 911 and ask for police help as soon as possible. I had it all worked out my friends. I wish he was someone that I knew so I could start a rumor around the comedy world that I busted “so-in-so” robbing a bank and that I wouldn’t want him at any of my friend’s parties anymore. I think that if you ever wanted to get away with robbing someone, you should rob one of your friends. Just put on a ski mask and hit him up at an ATM, ask for all his money in a note because your friend would probably notice your voice, then skip away in an awkward, 11 year old girl way so he doesn’t notice your normal gait. If you ever got busted by the cops, just take off your mask and start laughing uncontrollably and hold out your phone and say, “Ha ha haaaa! Gotcha! You’re on speaker phone too!!! Busted!” Anyway, I guess it hasn’t sunk in that I just barely missed a possible story to tell my friend’s children when I get older. Just missed it by five minutes. Good, now that song that I was talking about is out of my head! It has been replaced by the sound of a steam wand frothing up some milk for a woman that seems attractive to me. Oh great! She has a boyfriend! Perfect! Let’s just see here what this guy is all about. Gonna quickly size this sucker up…. Six foot four and one quarter inch. Oh! I hear that song again… “How sweet it is to be loved by you”… Much better….