better late than never, right? It’s 12:45 in the marn…. people are walking around the NYC streets in all their spooky Halloween get-ups…. Wow, two more cat women wearing tight black nylons and a cute little cat tail and whiskers to accentuate those “must see” highlights on their bodies! “Oh my gawd Jen, I don’t know what I’m gonna wear for Halloween?!!! All I found in my underwear drawer are tights and this black eye liner. I could put together a cute little cat outfit. Does my ass look too perfect in these tights?. Tail or no tail?…Should I wax and be a hairless cat? No, hairless cats are gross, they look like they were rescued from a fire….. I am pretty hot come to think about it!… I’ll be a hairless cat,…sweet!”. I am so glad I didn’t go out tonight. I’m always a little taken back from a pack of rowdy high-school kids, dressed up like gang members, with a bag of eggs to throw at random, well dressed men like myself. I was also walking with another dapper young fellow by the name of A.D. Miles. It’s weird, I was kinda craving a random “walk by egging” aimed directly at my good friend. If a stray egg hit me, so be it! It just would’ve been so perfect, with his brand new pants he just received from his beautiful wife. Why do I crave awkward moments to happen to my friends? Oh well… I did notice how chatty and open strangers can be during Halloween. Throw on a rainbow wig, and tote around a hockey stick, and you’ve got unlimited confidence for the night. A cute girl dressed up as a man, which I haven’t seen since yesterday, passed us on the street and said to me, “Do I look like Brad Pitt?”. She was good and hammered, so I said to her in passing…”I got your Brad Pitt right here!” as I pointed to my Brad Pitt belt buckle. I’m about to fall asleep…. talk to you tomorrow
Monthly Archive for October, 2002
I was thinking about a show I was on last Thursday night, at the Gershwin hotel. It was so bad that it turned out to be really funny. Borelli (the host) and I decided to do a bit of improv and sing some Billy Ocean songs, with the help of a lovely audience volunteer. We called ourselves “Billy’s Oceans” . Thinking back, we should’ve asked nine people to come on stage with us so we could call ourselves “Billy’s Oceans Eleven” . Anything would’ve been better than having Borelli drag this unwilling singer onstage the way he did. It was terribly awkward after that. I ended up dancing to his house bands’ interpretation of “Get out of my Dreams” and singing “Billy Ocean…. Billy Billy Billy Oooooocean!” for about three incredibly awkward minutes, obviously not a clue to what the lyrics were. It was fun though. What else…. Oh, after the show, I decided to drive to Delaware to see my sister and my niece and nephew. On the way down, I stopped to urinated at one of my favorite New Jersey Turnpike rest areas. As I was peeing on my porcelain target, a man pulls up to the urinal right beside me. Now, it’s one in the morning and all of the 23 available urinals were open for business. This guy decides to use the one RIGHT BY ME! I could feel him staring at me. It was so gross. There is a term used a lot in the entertainment business called “cheating right or cheating left”. For example, say Paul is doing a scene at the dinner table and he is slightly too far left of the camera angle. The director will say, ” Hey Paul, can you cheat right a few inches…. little more…perfect!”, and Paul will move his body to the right. That is exactly what this pervert did towards me, he was cheating right a few feet, exposing his membership card, in hopes of entering my private club. Luckily, I carry a can of pepper spray with me and I pulled it out and said, “do you want me to spray this all over your pee-pee? He looks at the pepper spray and says, “okay, okay, I get your point. You’re not all that “into” me… I’m just gonna put my pee-pee back into my drawers, walk to that urinal over there, and leave you alone sir.” And that is kinda how it all played out. Most of that story is true…up until the pepper spray that is. What else?… I guess that’s about it for today’s entry! I need to go. I have a brunch date with my friend at Chili’s! I want those baby backs, baby!!!!
Until next time!
Bobby
Good morning! Just got up, thought I’d write a line or two in the big “D” as I sip on my friends toe. Just kidding, I mean coffee. I still do not have a girl-friend and I’m becoming delusional. I wake up every morning to an empty bed, except for two or three southern living mags and a copy of Betty Crocker’s secretes to a “Damn Good Sugar Loaf”. Speaking of sugar loaf, I need to go to the bathroom now…. Okay, I’m back! What the devil was I talking about….Oh, girlfriends. People come up to me all the time and ask “Bobby, do you have a girlfriend yet?” These are complete strangers! How did they know my name? I always say the same thing to them…”shut the fuck up and mind your own business, stranger!” It’s time. Time to buckle down and get a nice woman to take me to eternal blissville. It’s fall for crying aloud!! Those are my colors! I consider myself a “fall fox guy”. (I smell sit-com!) You should see me when I wear my forest green sweater and my orange socks! Ta die for! Ladies? But seriously, I know it’s time because I’ve matured in so many levels. For example… Last year, if I were on a date with a female, and she asked me a question about how many siblings I had, I would usually try to impress her and say, “oh, I don’t know… does THIRTEEN do anything for you?!” But now, when asked the same question, I just say “I have two older sisters and two older parents, now shut-up and let me spoon feed you more of these yams, baby!”. I don’t need to stretch the truth anymore. The “ladies” hate a liar….. It’ll all work out in time. I know I just need to suck it up, keep on keepin’ on, and let the girl of my dreams come to me organically. Can’t force it!! I guess I’m freaking out because I see more and more gray hair and not a hint of a soul-mate to dye it for me when I’m older. Oh well, I better go now. I have to do an oil treatment on my scalp. I have a brunch date at Friendly’s with my old friend Larry. He knows a few people at “Time out NY”.
Until next time
Bobby
What’s up with all this “daylight savings” stuff? I mean, come on now! It’s like dark at 4:30in the pee-m! This here is Tequeeza Johnston, Bobby’s friend from North Carolina. And no, I ain’t FUBARed on Tequeeza! Everybody thinks that since my name’s Tequeeza, that I’m always FUBARed on the drink that I invented in nineteen hundred and eighty-nine. That’s right, if you don’t know who I am and what I represent, I invented a drink called “Tequeeza”, which is a mixture of beer (best with B-weiser) and three parts tequila. That’s right by god! I done it first!! Screw those commies at Tequiza! They robed me of at least TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!! Bobby knows what my white ass is doin’ in New York City now, and that’s suein” the living shit out of the makers of Tequiza!! They come down from…. well, …wherever, and come to MY watering hole, and those M**THER F**ERS watch me party the way you’re sapose to…. and they stole my drink!!! I know I saw that M**TH*R FU*K*R in that fancy suit all writing my sh*t down on his legal pad!!! What’s up with legal pads anyway!!! They’re stupid, am I right or am I right?! Oh, if Bobby didn’t tell ya, I’m a stand-up comedian like him. You might of seen me at Sir-Laughsalot’s in Hickory N.C., or Busta-gut’s in Jacksonville. Bobby was nice enough to let me do his AWSOME show in NYC!! F*C*ING great show if you haven’t seen it yet! He got a little pissed that I ended up talking about my law suit too much on stage. But I consider myself a lot like Seinfeld, I’m into observational comedy. For instance, I observed some MOTHE* FUCK**S taking my idea, and screwing the living SHI*T out of me!!!! What’s up with that!!! Oh hell, Bobby just walked in… he told me
Hey, this is Bobby, Tequeeza just filled me in on why he broke into my computer, found my password, and decided to write a Dear Diarrhea entry. I have yet to read his journal, but I can only imagine what he said after seeing him on my show. Wow! You should see him do stand-up! Wow! He has some issues to talk about, that’s for sure. Anyway, I guess I’ll let his entry be the entry of the day. I really don’t have a lot of time to write anything more, I’m hosting a brunch for Stacey and Carl (they know people at VH1) tomorrow. Hello, can you say veggie wraps!!
Until next time!
Bobby…. and Tequeeza.
So I had a weird dream today…. a day dream… happened around 11:30 am. I was walking to my local coffee shoppeee… (why do they add that extra “e”) and I was day dreaming that an old lady came up to me and said..”sonny, if you help me carry these groceries to my home, I’ll give you a special treat” Sure, why not, helping an old lady with her bags equals a shot of good karma and maybe a piece of hard candy. ” Let’s do it!” I said. So we walk a few blocks to her beautiful apartment on the upper west side, I drop off her bags and hold out my hand for my treat. This is where the dream gets awesome… She pulls out a key from her purse and places it in my hand. Now the first thing I think is, “don’t eat the key! It’s probably not candy!” She looks me in the eye and says…”you seem like a very sweet boy…. you remind me of my red headed step-son that I never had back in the late 50′s to early 60′s… now, I want to give you the keys to my car…” Oh my Lord!! She’s giving me her car!!…She continues, “I want to give you the keys to my brand new, 1965 Cadillac Convertible, with only 13,000 miles on the odometer, driven by my late ex-lovers, Dabney Coleman and Sly Stalone, and I need you to move it for me because the power steering is broken.” Then she walks into her apartment… The dream ended there with my hand extended to the lady at the coffee shoppeee. “Here’s your change Bobby”. But I wasn’t ready for it to be over, so I clintched my fist in the air, turned to everybody in the coffee shoppeee and screamed, “DAMN YOU GRANNYYYYYY!!!!!!” Well, I better go now. I need to get ready for my brunch tomorrow at Appleby’s! Hello chips n’ salsa!!!
Until next time.
Bobby
First time on the diarrhea train! Hope this will be fun for all! Let me see…. what to talk about? Well, I read some old magazines until three in the morning! The most moving article came from an old Nation Geographic I fund in the subway(circa 1976) Turns out that you can actually ski on sand dunes that are located in south-central Colorado!!!! I called my friend in L.A. and asked him to mail my broken “snow skis” so I can convert them into “sand skis” for a little Colorado ski adventure this winter. I’m all like..”Rickie!… Pick up the phone, I know you’re there…(long pause for him to get the phone) Are you there?… (never picks up the phone, so I leave a message) Well, this is Bobby. I want you to ship those old skis of mine, the ones that you’re using for a shower curtain rod, ASAP…. I’ve got the perfect plan for our 13 year high school reunion field trip!! Call me!!” I hope he calls soon, I could use a good vacation. What else…. I have a big day tomorrow! I’m meeting a friend for brunch at TGIF!!! Hello pasta salad!!
Until next time!
Bobby