I went to my first NASCAR race on Sunday at the Poconos 500 and I have to say it was the loudest experience I’ve had since I used to chase jackhammers back in the late 90’s. It was LOUD! I went to the race as a part of another gig I have with a beer company. I’m not sure I can talk about the details, so I’ll just say that it was one of the most interesting experiences I’ve ever had at a sporting event. It’s hard to imagine that an avid race fan would have normal hearing after just one live race- let alone these mega fans that go to multiple races each year. My ears were ringing, man!

What I noticed the most was the extremely large amounts of beer and cigarettes being ingested by the throngs of drunken fans. If I were a professional aluminum recycleman, the place to go is the infield of any NASCAR race. Never seen so many stacks of empty beer cans. I bet if you placed each can on top of each other it would reach a seriously tall height- maybe the top of the Empire State Building? Not sure, but it would be close. I love when people compare height amounts to the Empire State Building. For once it would be nice to use that famous building in something other than the obvious, like “So many beer cans that it could fill the bottom two floors of the Empire State Building!”… Or, “Enough beer cans to make a huge racket if dropped down the entire State Building’s front steps.”

You’re probably wondering about what I said earlier about me being a jackhammer chaser back in the ‘90’s… Those were crazy times back in the day. I know you’ve heard of storm chasers, those crazy scientists looking for tornados and hurricanes and whatnot- I was into a different game and that was as a non-paid and highly dangerous noise chaser. One day over a good cup of cold Earl Grey tea I’d love to talk your ear off about some of the loud noises I’ve chased over the years. Very interesting noises out there from places you’d NEVER imagine. Fascinating stories indeed. Let me know when you’re bored and available for tea.

“I woke up with the strangest feeling that I wasn’t flying. From time to time I have dreams where I’m not flying and it’s so weird. Last night I was dreaming that I was in a plane and it was stuck on the runway for almost FIFTEEN MINUTES! It was crazy how real it was. That’s a long time to be on the ground in a dream. That has to mean something? If I could only contact a dream doctor to tell me what’s up with all this nonsense.”

That was an excerpt from a book I’m writing called “My Bird Dreams. Written in First Bird”

The new spring activated party poppers are a bit of a dud if you’re looking for the bang-factor. I like the ones that have a mini-firecracker inside it to propel the multi-colored confetti out. The spring ones just don’t have that surprise factor. My question is how they get that firecracker to pop like that. That’s a little slice of party magic if you ask me. Maybe one day I will take one apart and figure out the popping mechanism. A matchless firecracker… Hummm, makes you think.

I stubbed my toe and screamed super loud in front of a lot of people that were eating outside of a fancy restaurant in the West Village. It turns out that I just scraped the top of the big toenail and it didn’t hurt at all. It was just that startle scream that one does when you think immediate pain is on the way. I had to continue to act like it hurt to make everyone think I really did stub it. Most people can relate to the pain of a possible toe stubbing. It was scary indeed.

Let’s talk soon about other things that relate to screams and party poppers.

Back at work after a pretty nice weekend upstate in Rye, NY. I went to a beach club and swam in the Long Island Sound. I drank two tablespoons of salt water to keep things in prospective. Salt water makes me feel young and stupid.

I’m having a bit of a time getting sleep of late and that’s due to me being anxious about work. My new roommate, the very funny Patrick Borelli, told me that he goes to a guy that specializes in something called Hellerwork. At any rate, it’s helped him a lot and I want to try it out. I’ll keep you posted. Sounds really interesting. If you know about it and think that it’s cool, hit me up with your experiences and I’ll be sure to thank you with a large smile.

I bought a used 1998 Subaru Outback for my parents mountain house. It’s a cool car that I want to fix up and keep for a long time. I love that year Outback because the hood looks like it would be fun to touch. I’m a real touchy feely guy and if a hood feels good to me, I’ll buy the car that it’s attached to. Google image the hell out of a green ’98 Outback and tell me your thoughts.

I feel like a severe thunderstorm is nearing the city so I’d better go to a restaurant and find an umbrella from their lost and found. A great way to get a free one is to just say, “I think I left my black umbrella at your establishment a while back. It’s the one with the black handle that has that little button on it that ejects the umbrella out and into the shape of a half moon. It had my initials- RSGFT- written in water colors but might’ve washed off in the last rain storm.” Then the person will be thrown off by the long initials and will just go to their box of discarded umbrellas and hand you the nicest one to get you out of his/her hair.

I will talk to you guys soon!

I want to have a good time on a roller coaster this summer and for the life of me I can’t think of a coaster I’d want to ride that’s within two hours of the city. If anyone has a good choice of coaster, I’m all earlobes.

A guy named Carl just walked by my office and asked if I got some work done on my hair and I just slammed the door on him and then hissed all over myself. When I get mad I make a hissing sound like a snapping turtle. You get a snapping turtle mad you better watch the hell out. They DO mess around! More on snapping turtles this week.

Anyway, I better get off the pot and back to work now. Keep up the good work, guys! I miss everyone of you!.

My trip out here has really opened my eyes about singlehood and how free I really am now. I think I’ve done a 180-degree turn with my feelings about being in a long-term relationship. I’m reborn! I’m sleeping in my high school bed again! (That might not be the best analogy.) Also, I had a wonderful slumber party with my great buddies Zach and Miles that reminded me of high school, too. Zach and I slept in his King sized hotel bed while Miles slept beside us in a cot and I had some great sleep that night, too. Way to go, sleep!

It’s now 3am and I took two Rhodiolas to wake up for my scene that I was supposed to be in and now I hear that they are pushing that scene for tomorrow night. I’m now officially jacked-up on alertness and I don’t have anything to do but to write one of my special Dear Diarrheas. You MUST get a hold of some of these Rhodiola herbs! They work wonders! I was sound asleep thirty minutes ago and now I’m wide awake in a very smooth, anti-caffeinated way that only Rhodiola Rosea 500 by Jarrow Formulas can do. I swear by this stuff, ya’ll! (I need to get back into the habit of saying “ya’ll” now that I’m playing a redneck for a couple of days.)

But seriously, I know I keep harping about this herb to everyone I talk to but I think Rhodiola has saved my sanity the last month and a half that I’ve been taking them. Google it and see for yourself all the wonders about this God given gift that grows in the mountainous regions of Eastern Siberia. I think that Jarrow Formulas has the highest potency of this herb available on the market- and I’ve tried a few brands, too. (I got this bottle in an herbal store in Burbank but I think you can get it at any Whole Foods in the greater United States.) I normally take one tablet but tonight I tried two for the first time and WOW what a Vas deferens it makes! And I didn’t even PLAN on using part of the male reproductive anatomy as a play on words there either- it just shot out of my fingers and onto the page!

Anyway, I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I’m happy as a clam right now and I hope this continues and I think it should. I’ve learned a lot about myself these last few months and I really think that things are starting to click into gear for me now. It’s never too late to learn and grow up and I think that that is happening more and more for me as the days go on. I am blessed to have wonderful friends and family and beautiful acquaintances dotting all of the “I’s” and crossing all the “T’s” in my life to help me along in my journey. Thank you to all those people that believe/believed in me and I will return the favor to all of you right now. I’m sending good energy out to the universe in everyone’s name. Hurray for good energy!!!

Gooooooooo Rhodiola!!!!

Here’s a picture of me taking a picture of my trailer. I just finished screaming, ‘I can’t wait to sleep, girl!’ right before i took this.”

A couple of hard working construction workers are knocking down a wall. They shine their flashlights into the hole they made and notice a compacted mush of old and wet insulation collecting mildew

WORKER 1: Man, there sure is a lot of blog in here.

WORKER 2: Don’t look at me, dude. I had blog duty last week. Bossman said I was done shoveling the blog and that you had blog duty this week.

WORKER 1: Man, you suck! Did you remove it by hand the old fashion way or did you use a vacuum?

WORKER 2: Are you kidding me? I used a vlog and sucked that shit right outta there! The old fashion way?… You’re killing me kid.

I don’t know what my daily video diary/short will turn out to be but I think it’s time to capitalize on what technology has provided me along with every person in the world that has a voice to be heard. I’ve had a few people ask me to do a video blog and after a long conversation with my new roommate about the topic I decided to pull the trigger. So last week I’ve been shooting a bunch of little videos and they will launch by the end of this week on my comedy myspace page. My URL is: http://myspace.com/bobbytisdalecomedy

People should know what I look like and how I talk. They’re going to get that now. I’m going to expose myself to the masses. It’s time to get the party started!

What else…. Hummmm? I’ve been doing my Sunday night bingo at Black Rabbit Bar in Greenpoint that’s been super fun. I hope if you are in the greater New York area that you will stop by for some bingo fun. The name of my show is “Bingo Bobby And The O-69′s” and it’s every Sunday from 7-10PM. All that information is posted on my schedule on myspace comedy page as well. (I have two accounts with myspace so go to my comedy one and befriend me there)

Out of all of the comedy I’ve done that requires using a microphone and the use of a live audience I’d say that calling bingo might rank right up there as one of my all time favorite things in life to do.” (That didn’t make much sense but I think you get the point)

I seriously LOVE calling bingo matches. Starting now- I’m officially calling bingo games “bingo matches”. You heard it here first! See what a good old fashion hand written blog will get you! Trust me, I will always be writing my Dear Diarrheas. That will never change.

Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know what the new me is doing lately. I miss talking to you via Dear Diarrhea and now at the end of the week we can start REALLY talking to each other. YAY!!!! I can’t wait for you to see me on a daily basis! I’ll try to put my face on so I look my best for you as well!

I’ll see YOU- or better yet, YOU’LL see ME at the end of the week. Be well and I hope everyone is healthy and happy.

My trip to Ireland was a big eye opener. I can’t really talk about the outcome too much but I can say that I ended up having a good seven or eight cleansing laughs. The kind of laughs that add a couple of years to your body and soul. (I need to tell you that an old man just sat by me and he sounds like a stereotypical ghost. I’m not kidding. He is making “ooooohhhhh and aaaaaahhhhhh” sounds like he’s reading a children’s book about a coffee drinking ghost. I wish I had my camera right now because I seriously think I’m sitting by half man half ghost. He is really starting to freak me out now. Not really in a bad way but in a spooky way. I’m waiting for him to walk through a door, or at least half of him. He reminds me of one of my favorite characters called the “Not-so-invisible man”. He’s a normal guy that happens to have one invisible arm. A few people have seen me do that character on stage so they know what I’m talking about. I need to resurrect the Not-so-invisible Man again. I did it the first time at Luna Lounge back in the day. AD Miles came on stage and acted out a scene with me that went something like this…

Bobby standing on stage. He has one of his arms in his shirt that makes him look like he’s missing an arm.

Miles walks up to Bobby from off stage.

MILES: Hey. I know you from somewhere, right?

Bobby thinks to himself out loud.

BOBBY: Hummmmm…. Hummmmm. You do look a little familiar now that I think of it. Was it at Randy Fillerston’s fashion binge, down in Witchicoochie, South Carolina?

MILES: No. I don’t think so. That sounds like fun, though.

BOBBY: Did you used to go shopping at TJ Maxx in Burlington, North Carolina?

MILES: No. I only shop at Penny’s for the most part… Man, you look sooooo familiar. It’s killing me.

BOBBY: Are you friends with Sandy Duncan?

MILES: Nooooo…. Damn, this is killing me…. Anyway, I’m Miles.

Miles tries to shake Bobby’s visible hand.

BOBBY: Oh. You can shake my other hand. It’s just invisible, that’s all.

Bobby moves his shoulder and holds out his invisible hand towards Miles. Miles searches a bit and then finds his hand and shakes it.

MILES: (excited) Wow! You really do have an invisible hand.

BOBBY: Yep, it’s really there… I’m Bobby by the way.

Miles realizes who he is now.

MILES: Bobby! That’s it! Bobby Tisdale, right?

BOBBY: Yes! Do you remember me from somewhere?

MILES: Bobby Tisdale. The church picnic! That’s where I remember you from. I had sex with your wife in the caverns. I knew I knew you from somewhere!

BOBBY: Arrrrgggghhhhh!

Bobby turns red with anger and knocks Miles out with his invisible hand. Miles never saw it coming.

AND SCENE!

Those were the good old days! Back in 1999 in the East Village. Ludlow Street! Miss them days of old…

Well, I forgot what I was really wanting to say in this here Diarrhea. I guess it’s time to celebrate another year and get my young looking body out into the great city and enjoy my special day. I will continue with my Ireland stories this week. I have to clear it up with the producers to see what I can and can’t tell you before they turn the last ten days into video magic. I’ll keep ya posted!

By the way, the ghost-man walked out the door as a customer held it open for him so I guess I’ll never know if he was a ghost or not. I have a feeling I’ll be seeing him again for some reason.

The Management

I’m sipping on a cup of tea in my hotel room in Lisdoonvarna waiting for my friend/producer Anne to pick me up for my first night at the match-making festival. I met with Willie Daily, the head match maker, today on his huge farm. He already had a few girls from the US waiting in his house for us to meet. (“Us” as in me and this other guy I just met named Dan who is also in the documentary) It was really fun because he has horseback single tours and these ladies when along for the ride. They were all in acting schools in the States so you can bet that they had no problem wanting to be in front of the camera. I didn’t say a word to any of them because I was too busy trying to not fall off my beautiful horse. It was actually a very smooth ride, I just didn’t want to start getting all cocky and have my horse throw me off and poop on me. The view was unbelievable as we galloped for a couple miles over the lushest green pastures in the world with the Atlantic Ocean just a mile or so in front of us. My horse pooped three times and I pooted on her about seven times. I tried not to but every now and then she would start to run and it made me nervous and all the bouncing made me poot. It was like a mild version of “fight or flight” when an animal releases all of his waste in extreme nervous situations. Luckily I didn’t pee or poop myself. I thought I was going to have explosive diarrhea there after she first took off on me. On tape I think the horse was only going eight mph but it definitely felt like I was going about fifty.

The only injuries I received were a sore butt and my arm and hand and arm brushed up against a nettle plant. I don’t know if you’ve ever touched a nettle plant but it hurts like hell. It’s covered in a million little needle-like hairs that stick into you like an invisible porcupine and it burns like the dickens. My horse decided to dive head first into a big bush of the stuff and took my hand with her for he ride. I really couldn’t believe she actually ATE the stuff. I’m not saying she’s stupid but that had to hurt her tongue and lips. She had pretty lips too!

We’ll I’m off to the town to hit the festivities. Talk to you about it when I get home!

… Wow! What a downer! I just got back from the most crowded bars I’ve ever been in in my life! Thanks the Lord you can’t smoke in bars over here anymore! We went to meet Willie at the Match Maker Bar to meet the girls he wanted to set us up with and fortunately he didn’t have a match. I say this all because of whom he set Dan up with. It was absolutely hilarious to watch Willie take Dan’s hand and lead him to a woman in her fifties that easily could’ve been his mother. (Dan’s no more than 34) She was very sweet, don’t get me wrong, I just can’t wait to see who he tries to set me up with in the next day or two. I just stood in the corner praying that Willie forgot about me but he reassured me that my match wasn’t present yet. I should’ve just talked to those NORMAL girls on the horse ride! Damnit! At least I know that they we’re CLOSE to my age. I mean he doesn’t care at all about an age difference. He told Dan and I that the girls could be up to sixty-five years old. I guess you can never have too many sixty-five year old Irish lady friends- I should be positive here.

We ended up going back to Doolin and far far away from the match making festival and went to McSomething-Something’s Pub (There are five pubs that all start with “Mc” and I can never remember which is
which.) and had a great time hanging out and listening to a table of old men playing fiddles until the bar closed. That to me is the best thing about this trip- not the possibilities of true love with someone twice my age but just being with good people and soaking up the energy and atmosphere out here. I love it so much. The music is unbelievable and everyday feels like Christmas with the sights, smells, and sounds. My red hair goes nicely out here too.

I better go now. I actually need to soak my hand again in water to get this nettle to stop itching. It kept me up all night.