Dear Diarrhea…

Some of the best sleep I’ve ever had in my life is in my trailer out here on the Warner Brothers lot in Studio City. It’s the kind of sleep that you had in high school when you found out that you had two more hours to sleep due to a snow delay. That’s how it’s been for me every night for the last eight days. We’re shooting night scenes and that means that my call times are from 8pm to 5 or 6 in the am. All I do is go to my trailer and sleep for a couple of hours at a time. I don’t have to worry about setting an alarm clock either- just like Mom in the day; someone will knock on my door and wake me up whenever I need to actually do something. There’s something about sleeping in a foreign setting that puts my baby-ass to sleep like nothing I’ve experienced before. I think I would do well living out of the 1969 Airstream which is now parked at my parents house in North Carolina. The more I think about it the more I want to move that lug out to Los Angeles and have that as my second home opposite my small dwelling in Greenpoint Brooklyn.

My trip out here has really opened my eyes about singlehood and how free I really am now. I think I’ve done a 180-degree turn with my feelings about being in a long-term relationship. I’m reborn! I’m sleeping in my high school bed again! (That might not be the best analogy.) Also, I had a wonderful slumber party with my great buddies Zach and Miles that reminded me of high school, too. Zach and I slept in his King sized hotel bed while Miles slept beside us in a cot and I had some great sleep that night, too. Way to go, sleep!

It’s now 3am and I took two Rhodiolas to wake up for my scene that I was supposed to be in and now I hear that they are pushing that scene for tomorrow night. I’m now officially jacked-up on alertness and I don’t have anything to do but to write one of my special Dear Diarrheas. You MUST get a hold of some of these Rhodiola herbs! They work wonders! I was sound asleep thirty minutes ago and now I’m wide awake in a very smooth, anti-caffeinated way that only Rhodiola Rosea 500 by Jarrow Formulas can do. I swear by this stuff, ya’ll! (I need to get back into the habit of saying “ya’ll” now that I’m playing a redneck for a couple of days.)

But seriously, I know I keep harping about this herb to everyone I talk to but I think Rhodiola has saved my sanity the last month and a half that I’ve been taking them. Google it and see for yourself all the wonders about this God given gift that grows in the mountainous regions of Eastern Siberia. I think that Jarrow Formulas has the highest potency of this herb available on the market- and I’ve tried a few brands, too. (I got this bottle in an herbal store in Burbank but I think you can get it at any Whole Foods in the greater United States.) I normally take one tablet but tonight I tried two for the first time and WOW what a Vas deferens it makes! And I didn’t even PLAN on using part of the male reproductive anatomy as a play on words there either- it just shot out of my fingers and onto the page!

Anyway, I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I’m happy as a clam right now and I hope this continues and I think it should. I’ve learned a lot about myself these last few months and I really think that things are starting to click into gear for me now. It’s never too late to learn and grow up and I think that that is happening more and more for me as the days go on. I am blessed to have wonderful friends and family and beautiful acquaintances dotting all of the “I’s” and crossing all the “T’s” in my life to help me along in my journey. Thank you to all those people that believe/believed in me and I will return the favor to all of you right now. I’m sending good energy out to the universe in everyone’s name. Hurray for good energy!!!

Gooooooooo Rhodiola!!!!

So last Wednesday I had an audition at 12pm for Adam Sandler’s new movie and six hours later I was on a jet out to Los Angeles for ten days. That’s why I haven’t been able to launch my video blog yet. I should be all on that shit Monday or Tuesday of next week for sure. I can’t talk about the movie or anything or about my part (which is very small by the way) but all I can say is that I want to ALWAYS be in the movies! What a treat I’m having out here. I’ve seen a lot of friends and the weather is amazing- what else can I ask for! Anyway, just wanted to give everyone a heads up on what’s going on and why I’ve been silent for the last few days. I have a lot to talk about and I can’t wait for you to see my video blog! Gotta go do some LA-undry now and do some good old fashion people wash- I mean people watching. By the way, I wish you could see this plastic looking lady with her wig wearing poodle. OH! It just hit me that it’s Halloween- that must be why her dog is wearing a multicolored seventies style wig and has a cigar/bone in it’s mouth! Now it all makes sense!… But wait… the plastic lady just turned into a ghost and vanished- NO! She just turned to the side. Wow, she’s skinny as hell! “See” you next week on my comedy myspace page.

Here’s a picture of me taking a picture of my trailer. I just finished screaming, ‘I can’t wait to sleep, girl!’ right before i took this.”

What have I been up too? I’ve been making a video blog. That’s right, a video blog. Some people call them “vlogs” but I don’t like the way that rolls of the tongue so I’m choosing to stick with what it truly is and that is just plan old; “daily internet video diary/short”. I’m taking the word blog out of the equation too. The word “blog” sounds like something you would call a lump of wet insulation being exposed to the elements. Here’s an example…

A couple of hard working construction workers are knocking down a wall. They shine their flashlights into the hole they made and notice a compacted mush of old and wet insulation collecting mildew

WORKER 1: Man, there sure is a lot of blog in here.

WORKER 2: Don’t look at me, dude. I had blog duty last week. Bossman said I was done shoveling the blog and that you had blog duty this week.

WORKER 1: Man, you suck! Did you remove it by hand the old fashion way or did you use a vacuum?

WORKER 2: Are you kidding me? I used a vlog and sucked that shit right outta there! The old fashion way?… You’re killing me kid.

I don’t know what my daily video diary/short will turn out to be but I think it’s time to capitalize on what technology has provided me along with every person in the world that has a voice to be heard. I’ve had a few people ask me to do a video blog and after a long conversation with my new roommate about the topic I decided to pull the trigger. So last week I’ve been shooting a bunch of little videos and they will launch by the end of this week on my comedy myspace page. My URL is: http://myspace.com/bobbytisdalecomedy

People should know what I look like and how I talk. They’re going to get that now. I’m going to expose myself to the masses. It’s time to get the party started!

What else…. Hummmm? I’ve been doing my Sunday night bingo at Black Rabbit Bar in Greenpoint that’s been super fun. I hope if you are in the greater New York area that you will stop by for some bingo fun. The name of my show is “Bingo Bobby And The O-69’s” and it’s every Sunday from 7-10PM. All that information is posted on my schedule on myspace comedy page as well. (I have two accounts with myspace so go to my comedy one and befriend me there)

Out of all of the comedy I’ve done that requires using a microphone and the use of a live audience I’d say that calling bingo might rank right up there as one of my all time favorite things in life to do.” (That didn’t make much sense but I think you get the point)

I seriously LOVE calling bingo matches. Starting now- I’m officially calling bingo games “bingo matches”. You heard it here first! See what a good old fashion hand written blog will get you! Trust me, I will always be writing my Dear Diarrheas. That will never change.

Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know what the new me is doing lately. I miss talking to you via Dear Diarrhea and now at the end of the week we can start REALLY talking to each other. YAY!!!! I can’t wait for you to see me on a daily basis! I’ll try to put my face on so I look my best for you as well!

I’ll see YOU- or better yet, YOU’LL see ME at the end of the week. Be well and I hope everyone is healthy and happy.

Today is my birthday. Yesterday was the day before my birthday. Tomorrow will be the day after my birthday. I am now in my late thirties and I don’t feel a day older than twenty-seven. My hair is a bit ashier and my skin might be a little more on the tattered side but my body is feeling a whole hell of a lot younger than my birth certificate reports. This is the first year that I actually feel healthy. I am thirteen pounds lighter than I was a year ago today. I’m also about a hundred and five pounds lighter in another department too. I’m still waiting for my hundred and five pound birthday present to pop out of my heart-shaped cake but I have a feeling that that present will be on hold for a while. Which is fine and dandy. I’m at peace with my life as it is right now…

My trip to Ireland was a big eye opener. I can’t really talk about the outcome too much but I can say that I ended up having a good seven or eight cleansing laughs. The kind of laughs that add a couple of years to your body and soul. (I need to tell you that an old man just sat by me and he sounds like a stereotypical ghost. I’m not kidding. He is making “ooooohhhhh and aaaaaahhhhhh” sounds like he’s reading a children’s book about a coffee drinking ghost. I wish I had my camera right now because I seriously think I’m sitting by half man half ghost. He is really starting to freak me out now. Not really in a bad way but in a spooky way. I’m waiting for him to walk through a door, or at least half of him. He reminds me of one of my favorite characters called the “Not-so-invisible man”. He’s a normal guy that happens to have one invisible arm. A few people have seen me do that character on stage so they know what I’m talking about. I need to resurrect the Not-so-invisible Man again. I did it the first time at Luna Lounge back in the day. AD Miles came on stage and acted out a scene with me that went something like this…

Bobby standing on stage. He has one of his arms in his shirt that makes him look like he’s missing an arm.

Miles walks up to Bobby from off stage.

MILES: Hey. I know you from somewhere, right?

Bobby thinks to himself out loud.

BOBBY: Hummmmm…. Hummmmm. You do look a little familiar now that I think of it. Was it at Randy Fillerston’s fashion binge, down in Witchicoochie, South Carolina?

MILES: No. I don’t think so. That sounds like fun, though.

BOBBY: Did you used to go shopping at TJ Maxx in Burlington, North Carolina?

MILES: No. I only shop at Penny’s for the most part… Man, you look sooooo familiar. It’s killing me.

BOBBY: Are you friends with Sandy Duncan?

MILES: Nooooo…. Damn, this is killing me…. Anyway, I’m Miles.

Miles tries to shake Bobby’s visible hand.

BOBBY: Oh. You can shake my other hand. It’s just invisible, that’s all.

Bobby moves his shoulder and holds out his invisible hand towards Miles. Miles searches a bit and then finds his hand and shakes it.

MILES: (excited) Wow! You really do have an invisible hand.

BOBBY: Yep, it’s really there… I’m Bobby by the way.

Miles realizes who he is now.

MILES: Bobby! That’s it! Bobby Tisdale, right?

BOBBY: Yes! Do you remember me from somewhere?

MILES: Bobby Tisdale. The church picnic! That’s where I remember you from. I had sex with your wife in the caverns. I knew I knew you from somewhere!

BOBBY: Arrrrgggghhhhh!

Bobby turns red with anger and knocks Miles out with his invisible hand. Miles never saw it coming.

AND SCENE!

Those were the good old days! Back in 1999 in the East Village. Ludlow Street! Miss them days of old…

Well, I forgot what I was really wanting to say in this here Diarrhea. I guess it’s time to celebrate another year and get my young looking body out into the great city and enjoy my special day. I will continue with my Ireland stories this week. I have to clear it up with the producers to see what I can and can’t tell you before they turn the last ten days into video magic. I’ll keep ya posted!

By the way, the ghost-man walked out the door as a customer held it open for him so I guess I’ll never know if he was a ghost or not. I have a feeling I’ll be seeing him again for some reason.

Bobby is far from the Internet so we’ll get updates on his travels when he’s back.

The Management

Ireland Day 2

I’m sipping on a cup of tea in my hotel room in Lisdoonvarna waiting for my friend/producer Anne to pick me up for my first night at the match-making festival. I met with Willie Daily, the head match maker, today on his huge farm. He already had a few girls from the US waiting in his house for us to meet. (”Us” as in me and this other guy I just met named Dan who is also in the documentary) It was really fun because he has horseback single tours and these ladies when along for the ride. They were all in acting schools in the States so you can bet that they had no problem wanting to be in front of the camera. I didn’t say a word to any of them because I was too busy trying to not fall off my beautiful horse. It was actually a very smooth ride, I just didn’t want to start getting all cocky and have my horse throw me off and poop on me. The view was unbelievable as we galloped for a couple miles over the lushest green pastures in the world with the Atlantic Ocean just a mile or so in front of us. My horse pooped three times and I pooted on her about seven times. I tried not to but every now and then she would start to run and it made me nervous and all the bouncing made me poot. It was like a mild version of “fight or flight” when an animal releases all of his waste in extreme nervous situations. Luckily I didn’t pee or poop myself. I thought I was going to have explosive diarrhea there after she first took off on me. On tape I think the horse was only going eight mph but it definitely felt like I was going about fifty.

The only injuries I received were a sore butt and my arm and hand and arm brushed up against a nettle plant. I don’t know if you’ve ever touched a nettle plant but it hurts like hell. It’s covered in a million little needle-like hairs that stick into you like an invisible porcupine and it burns like the dickens. My horse decided to dive head first into a big bush of the stuff and took my hand with her for he ride. I really couldn’t believe she actually ATE the stuff. I’m not saying she’s stupid but that had to hurt her tongue and lips. She had pretty lips too!

We’ll I’m off to the town to hit the festivities. Talk to you about it when I get home!

… Wow! What a downer! I just got back from the most crowded bars I’ve ever been in in my life! Thanks the Lord you can’t smoke in bars over here anymore! We went to meet Willie at the Match Maker Bar to meet the girls he wanted to set us up with and fortunately he didn’t have a match. I say this all because of whom he set Dan up with. It was absolutely hilarious to watch Willie take Dan’s hand and lead him to a woman in her fifties that easily could’ve been his mother. (Dan’s no more than 34) She was very sweet, don’t get me wrong, I just can’t wait to see who he tries to set me up with in the next day or two. I just stood in the corner praying that Willie forgot about me but he reassured me that my match wasn’t present yet. I should’ve just talked to those NORMAL girls on the horse ride! Damnit! At least I know that they we’re CLOSE to my age. I mean he doesn’t care at all about an age difference. He told Dan and I that the girls could be up to sixty-five years old. I guess you can never have too many sixty-five year old Irish lady friends- I should be positive here.

We ended up going back to Doolin and far far away from the match making festival and went to McSomething-Something’s Pub (There are five pubs that all start with “Mc” and I can never remember which is
which.) and had a great time hanging out and listening to a table of old men playing fiddles until the bar closed. That to me is the best thing about this trip- not the possibilities of true love with someone twice my age but just being with good people and soaking up the energy and atmosphere out here. I love it so much. The music is unbelievable and everyday feels like Christmas with the sights, smells, and sounds. My red hair goes nicely out here too.

I better go now. I actually need to soak my hand again in water to get this nettle to stop itching. It kept me up all night.

Day one in Doolin. I flew into Shannon airport at 8:25 Thursday morning. My friend and producer of this project picked me up along with a guy from NY named Dan who is also a subject in the documentary.

I had to drive the car from the airport for footage sake and it scared the shit out of me. Driving on the left side of the road is one of the hardest things in the world to get used to doing. I almost hit a car in the parking lot not even fifteen seconds into my drive. I ended up handing off the driving duties to Anne so I could enjoy the start of my jetlag without having to think about opposite brain activity that controls my life or death motor skills. I remember the last time I was here in 2002 it took me a good two days before I was even slightly comfortable driving on the left side of the road. It’s not like riding a bike. Or it’s like driving a bike backwards with oncoming traffic inches away from your spokes.

I had my first pint of Guinness at 11am or 6am East coast time. It went well with the massive Irish breakfast I gobbled up in five minutes. No gas in my gut to be found all day. (I’m taking probiotics so that had a lot to do with it) I had another draft at 1PM at the cabin I’m staying in in Doolin that has the most amazing view of the Atlantic Ocean I’ve ever seen in my life. I will send a picture for you. I then took a two-hour nap that consisted of me waking up in the middle of the nap covered in drool. I haven’t drooled like that since I was a teenager swimming in the public pool. All in all the trip has started off with a bang. Everyone here is super nice and loves to drink and be merry. We all listened to some great live Irish music in a pub called Mc-something-somethings and after that we went back to the cabin for a nightcap and then it was time to pop an ambien and sleep my balls off. I ended up sleeping twelve hours and I can’t tell you how great I feel right now. Other than spilling a Guinness on my laptop keyboard I’ve had a smooth and fun time out here. I love looking out of my bedroom window out towards the Atlantic Ocean knowing that all of my United States friends and family are just over that body of beautiful water. I’ve waved and given all of you guys in America at least fifteen doses of good energy in the last 24 hours and I will continue to do so for the next nine days I’m here.

Tomorrow is our first shoot and I will keep you posted about my adventures. I wish everyone could be bunking out and cuddling with me so we can watch the sun set together. I am having a great time and I can’t wait to tell you bigger and better stories other than the boring intro that I just laid on you here. I say goodnight to you all right now and I will send more pictures very soon.

I love most everyone!